Count the Many

Day 291

It is sad to admit, but a truth nonetheless. This morning, for the first time since beginning my "new" and current position, I woke and thought, "I don't really want to go to work."

True, it's attributed to many things.

Having a very difficult evening the night before and crying myself to sleep.

Knowing the many stresses that come with this week (it's Teen Read Week, and we also have our state library's annual conference--not to mention one of my other programs and my regular storytimes).

Feeling the stress building without ability to release, causing worry of an impending nervous breakdown.

Or just having a small, simple dream that doesn't seem possible to have.

I keep thinking over and over what Anne says to Gilbert when he asks "Have you any unfulfilled dreams?" in Anne of the Island.

"Of course. Everybody has. It wouldn't do for us to have all our dreams fulfilled. We would be as good as dead if we had nothing left to dream about."

How much I have known this sentiment! Too much. I agree in many respects, and am grateful for the dreams the Lord has helped to fulfill, the ones He is helping me to prepare to fulfill one day, and the ones that I know just aren't meant for me and which I'll be OK (and maybe better) with not having.

But that doesn't make it any easier as you see those dreams not being fulfilled. Even the simple ones like going to the mountains for an autumn campout and a rejuvenating hike among some of Heavenly Father's wondrous and beautiful creations.

I am in a very hard time for me at this moment of my life.

However, I have found positives. Small pieces of gratitude that are even more worth having right now because I need them so much.

I'm grateful for a horrendously busy day that keeps my mind from sinking into sorrow for myself. I don't need any pity parties, and being busy certainly keeps me from having them...at least, for very long anyhow. (Just being honest. :-) )

I'm grateful for co-workers who sense the stress and emotions, whether or not they know exactly the cause or whatever. They are unquestioningly and unfailingly helpful and supportive.

I'm grateful for being able to just toss my hands up over a copier that insists on being stinky and not simply copying the copy. It's hilarious when I step back and look at it.

I'm grateful for royal blue. I'm told it's my color. I'm told that about a lot of colors. But I have always loved royal blue, and am still disapppointed that BYU changes over from that favorite color of mine, to the one shade of blue that I am not fond of. But royal blue makes me feel just that--royal. Able to do and handle anything. Able to pull through. And add to the royal blue a ribbon that matches perfectly in a hairdo that even as it continues to fall down throughout the day receives compliments from friend. There was even a comparison to my dearly admired Molly! So, yes, I'll be grateful for royal blue.

I'm grateful for a home where I can just unwind and not have to feel smothered, forced to talk about my day if I don't need to, but able to do so without feeling like a 12-year old who does not know how to handle what she is going through.

I'm grateful for having food. It's so nice to be able to eat. To not feel hungry. To have choice and variety, and more complete nutrition.

And no matter how difficult it is right now, I'm still grateful for what I have, what I am experiencing, what I'm learning, and who I am.

I'm grateful for life. My life.