My Unsung Lullaby is Still Being Sung

After attending my ward's church services today, I headed off to a missionary's "homecoming." I baby-sat him and his siblings 18 years ago. It's the first time I've seen most of the family in almost just as much time.

As I drove, I needed some music. I turned to the Classical station, and caught the last part of Music and the Spoken Word. I heard the women singing words that were immediately familiar to me. The irony is that in the 3 or 4 measures it took me to place where and how I knew the song, I was already in tears because of how much I knew I loved the song. I sang it just this past Christmas with the Sterling Singers. I cried the first day we rehearsed it in August. And many, many times after that. For a Christmas song, we changed the words to the 3rd verse to be more about the Savior.

Still, this song has reached around and into my heart in so many ways over the few months we practiced and sang it. But a new meaning came to me today when I heard Lullaby arranged by Ryan Murphy. The Spirit whispered to me that the 3rd verse refers to all who have lost children, whether they were living or not. This song included me.

When I was a teenager, I had a very spiritual experience that with time has become clearer to me. I was in my room preparing for church, and I was listening to Michael McLean's Stay With Me.


And I felt someone touch me. There was no one there. But I felt the presence of spiritual beings with me in my room. At the time, I was impressed that it was the spirit of one of my future children, touching me to comfort me, because one day I would lose one of my children. But now I can see that it was because I would lose several of them.

Not actual children who have been born. But the dream and hope of them. As medical issues arose, and marriage prospects got further away, I had to face facts that my 10 longed-for children would never be. I may not be old, but I ain't that young either. Throw the medical stuff into the balance, and I have a very limited window that grows smaller with time. Generally I live my life and do not let these broken dreams debilitate me. I love my life and am grateful for the countless things I have been blessed with.

But Mother's Day is a really hard day for those of us women who dreamed of our children and watch our dreams shatter one by one, year by year. I love the "mother" talks by Sheri Dew, Julie Beck, and many others that talk of how we are all mothers in our many roles, whether or not we have our own children. I believe that, I love it, and I try to live it. But it isn't quite the same and it cannot erase the vestige of pain that remains.

So it was sweet and helped me feel less alone, less unheard, and less misunderstood when the Spirit let me know that our Heavenly Father, our Heavenly Mother,  and our Savior weep with us for the little ones that do not hear the mother song we so dearly wish to sing. In hearing Lullaby, the Spirit was comforting me, because this is one of my trials. Yes, I believe that my Savior can do all things and could find me my husband now (or years ago) and take away my medical iffy-ness to allow us "easy access" to children. But that would also take away so many chances for my growth in spirit, mind, emotion, and testimony. I trust the Lord, and I trust His plan for me.

So there I was, yet again sobbing through Lullaby, this time for my children that I have lost. The Spirit gave me my time to mourn, but still kept reminded me of those wonderful mother talks. Reminding me again of the wonderful blessing put in the stead of my, for now, unfulfilled dreams. I may mourn the loss of my children, but every day I give thanks for the many, many children in my life time who have allowed me to fill in those gaps by playing some degree of a mothering role in their lives. Thank you for letting me sing my lullaby to you.



Lullaby
Lyrics are a Poem by Eugene Hunter:
The stars are twinkling in the skies,
The earth is lost in slumbers deep;
So hush, my sweet, and close thine eyes,
And let me lull thy soul to sleep.
Compose thy dimpled hands to rest,
And like a little birdling lie
Secure within thy cozy nest
Upon my loving mother breast,
And slumber to my lullaby,
So hushaby--O hushaby.

The moon is singing to a star
The little song I sing to you;
The father sun has strayed afar,
As baby's sire is straying too.
And so the loving mother moon
Sings to the little star on high;
And as she sings, her gentle tune
Is borne to me, and thus I croon
For thee, my sweet, that lullaby
Of hushaby--O hushaby.

There is a little one asleep
That does not hear his mother's song;
But angel watchers--as I weep--
Surround his grave the night-tide long.
And as I sing, my sweet, to you,
Oh, would the lullaby I sing--
The same sweet lullaby he knew
While slumb'ring on this bosom too--
Were borne to him on angel's wing!
So hushaby--O hushaby. 

Gospel Message Day 330

Atonement - Strength, Part 3

I think Strength and Enabling Power are rather like twins when it comes to the Atonement. They are quite similar. There are times they seem identical, but I believe there are times when they are individual. I would say the biggest difference is that the Enabling Power gives us the ability to do, to accomplish. But Strength through the Atonement is what helps us to make it through, to withstand, to endure until we have accomplished what we need to. Over time, that strength slowly builds on itself, helping us to endure more and more in this life. Trials that almost broke us in our past are now a little easier to endure because of the Strength we have gained with the Atonement.

In my life, I have especially seen the strength build when it comes to dating and relationships, as well as in a more personal trial. A few years ago, I was devastated by some of what I was going through in rejection and sorrow. Now, I still find it frustrating and upsetting. Once in a while I can't stop the tears. But I feel I can bear so much more now than I used to be able to, because of the added strength. I think a part of me has even become a bit numbed or perhaps used to some of the pain? The strength has helped me to create a slight intolerance to some of what I have to continually endure. Which is quite a relief, since I'm still gaining many lessons from single adulthood, but nice that I don't have to feel so completely downtrodden every time. The Lord has helped to strengthen me so that each time is a bit more endurable. Each time I understand I am growing and that it is for my benefit. Each time I know even more that I will make it through because the Lord helped me to make it through before and He will make sure I get through again, and again, and again.

Gospel Message Day 322

Summer of Learning

I read an article today that resonated very well with me. It let me see that they have been lessons I've had to learn again, for they are lessons I need to learn every time I am rejected by a man. I suppose I really liked the way it was put in this article, because I love Les Mis so much. As a teen, I had such sympathies with Eponine, because even then I knew what it was like to be the passed over girl. But that didn't mean I felt that she should have "gotten" Marius. Marius loved somewhere else. (And by the way, neither in the book nor the musical are Marius and Eponine best friends, so I wish people would stop trying to make his not choosing her More "tragic.") I always understood his choosing Cosette, and never begrudged her. I suppose that was a lesson I learned early on. What was the point? But I'd never thought about how some of the things Eponine did were not the way to go about it. So the 6 points the article made were:

1. Don’t play the victim.

2. Your friendship truly isn’t worth it.

3. Forgive in order to forget.

4. Charity is the best medicine.

5. Hope is the key!

6. Let your sadness work for you.

I feel that these points are applicable to any disappointment, sorrow, or trial that we face. Because they make use of the Atonement, help us learn to forgive, teach us to be cheerful, encourage us to serve, and overall lead to us becoming more like our Savior. For if any one knew how to deal with difficulty, disappointment, and sorrow, it was our Redeemer.

Gospel Message Day 314

Boys

What? That’s a Gospel topic? Well, yes. In its way. Our family reunion room of females (two teen, two single adults—though one will not be single in 10 days) has had a lot of conversations about guys. As you can probably imagine. Frustrations as well as the fun stuff. But these often frustrating, “game-playing” guys are an important part of the Gospel, because I believe in eternal marriages, as well as eternal families, and eternal friendships. And the males in our lives are part of those relationships. A rather crucial one! So though it’s frustrating that “men are from Mars, women are from Venus,” I think it is vital that we learn to work together, to get along, and to find happiness in, through, and with each other.

Gospel Message Day 313

Family Support

This brief message brought to you today by my experience on the High Ropes course today. Many of us chose to do it. In. The. Rain. At first I thought this would be an awesome challenge to tackle. Plain stupidity on my part. Still. I made improvements on the log and the rappelling from last time. But the rock wall and wires were so difficult because of the slickness from the rain. That and I actually fell from the rock wall, which sent pure terror in me. Even though my belay men had me, and I knew I wouldn't fall to the ground, it was freaky hanging there in air. And I didn't want to experience that again. It was a very, very tough experience. Even though I have basically been "training" for the last 2 months so I would be ready to tackle this challenge again--and be better at it--it was still extremely difficult for me. A little bit emotionally as well as physically. But I was determined. I knew that I could get through this difficult, challenging thing--because that is what I have had to prove over and over again in life.

But what was a reminding proof to me was that I'm never alone in what I do. Not only were the two belay men there to guide me where to put my hands and feet and to lift when I could not do any more on my own, but every single one of my present family members stopped where they were and what they were doing to call out love and encouragement. I believe in life the Savior and the Spirit are my two belay men, pulling me up and guiding me and helping me along. But I also know that even though I am not near my family, from where ever they are and with what ever they are doing they are still calling out words of love and encouragement to me.

Gospel Message Day 285

Gratitude, Part 9

One more day on this topic. I've been talking about some of the greater trials I've had to face, and what I have been able to find to be grateful for. Can't ignore the elephant in the room--every reader of the blog knows it is there. One of my greatest trials is being single much longer than I expected or anticipated.

I don't think I need to go in to particulars. The loneliness, sorrow, disappointment, discouragement, hurt, frustration, and lowered self-esteem have abounded in this blog. There's no need to keep hashing that out. What I am to do today is tell what I'm grateful for as to my single situation, and years of unsuccessful dating.

*I am grateful I have not married the wrong person.

*I am grateful I've had a lot of time to learn more about myself. I hope it will make me a better wife.

*I am grateful I have had time to be single. I hope it will make me more grateful when I am sealed to my best friend and will inspire me to work even harder at our marriage.

*I am grateful I have had time to learn how to date. While it still hasn't led to the desired outcome, it has helped me learn more generally about relationships, human nature, kindness, and selflessness--all things that I can use in y every day life, single or no.

*I am grateful I have met many men who are also trying to find their best friend. There may have been many awkward, embarrassing, and frustrating encounters and experiences with them, but they are God's sons and I trust they are/were doing the best that they know/knew how.

*I am grateful I have made many friends and acquaintances who are also in the single state of life. They are the only ones I know who have an inkling of what I'm going through, whom I can fully count on for sympathy, support, and understanding.

*I am grateful I have had my eyes opened in regards to so many things. There are many aspects of life that I had no idea about, and no experience in. I would not have learned about them if I had not remained in the single life.

*I am grateful I have been able to maintain a sense of humor throughout.

*I am grateful that I know the Lord cares about me as well as about this (and every!) situation of my life, and that if I listen He will continue to guide me throughout all of it.

*I am grateful that in spite of it all, I find exquisite and genuine fulness of joy and happiness.

Gospel Message Day 259

Pause for Institute Reflections

I needed to pause from the current topic because tonight's Institute was brilliantly amazing. Every one of Sister A.'s lessons is brilliant. Today just had a squeak more amazingness to it because application was everywhere for me.

We covered Elder Holland's recent Conference talk--the one with the fabulous story that I got to hear in-person, and was immediately affected by.



Tonight, we broke down that story and discussed the parallels of it to our relationship with the Savior.

These are the ways Sister A. broke down the story:
*there was no way to lift himself
*his muscles began to cramp
*Panic started to sweep over him, and he began to fear 
*he might, by his considerable arm strength, pull himself to safety
*I said my last prayer...then I leapt.
*I felt nothing but loose sand on flat stone
*there with nothing to hold on to...my fingers begin to recede slowly
*then suddenly...two hands shot out
*My faithful little brother had not gone...he had never moved an inch.
*He had simply waited—silently
*knowing full well I would be foolish
*he grabbed me, held me, and refused to let me fall.

As we began, I decided to go through the lesson with my recent trial in mind to see how I have been and could apply what we discussed. Now, my trial is not just one specific area of my life. It's rather a conglomeration of things right now, each one affecting another. I would love to go into detail, but as I link these posts to my Facebook page and several people who are involved in this personal trial of mine are my friends on Facebook, I don't want to give specifics for fear of "incriminating" them or hurting them. All that needs to be said is that it has slowly been building on to itself, it has brought tears in private and in public (which really says something in my case), it has left me frustrated and feeling hopeless.

As we discussed the parts of the story, I could agree with every thing as it pertained to this current trial. I especially have felt the emotional muscles cramping; I've had panic steadily rising over the last few years; I have prayed much and finally leapt (more than once, actually); and I feel that right now, I'm slowly receding on loose sand. I have not moved beyond that part in this trial, and yet I know that the rest will assuredly come about in the Lord's due time.

How? Because I've seen it happen over and over in my life already: When I was the Zombie (as mentioned recently in a post on the Atonement). When I was in My Darkest Days while in VA (entries abound in this blog during that time). When I was spiritually battered in the first few months of DE Part 2 and felt so alone with no friends in that new place. When I was part of The Fight in 5th grade that left me losing the best friend I had and leaving me for a time with no friends whatsoever. When I endured a very emotional college sophomore semester that left me feeling drained and hopeless. When I suffered nervous breakdowns in my Freshman and Senior years of college. When my best friend--the man I wanted to marry--didn't want to marry me. I have made it through these and so much more, exactly as the story parallels.

I know my Savior has not gone. He's there, waiting silently. Waiting for me to continue making the decisions I need to and even do some more leaping. And at some point, after I've given my absolute very all and cannot hang there anymore, he will grab my hands, hold on with all His strength, and pull me to safety. I am not dangling helplessly and alone. I know I will make it through this.

Gospel Message Day 241

Personal Reflections

This week has been building and building in frustration, anxiety, and hurt. And it is a week that comes after weeks, rather months of the same frustration and hurt. And I've come to the conclusion that I am tired of being hurt by guys who are either selfish, ignorant, or clueless. (And yes, there is a difference between the last two.) I feel like that is what I'm consistently encountering in my attempts to be social. I know it is part of the experience to meet people like this, and a good sign I'm learning a lot from my dating coach that I'm recognizing these things and moving beyond them rather than sticking around, holding out for them, and wasting time.

Now, I am not one who believes that marriage will be the end-all, solve-all-problems kind of thing. Far from it. Merging two personalities into a marriage (and one for eternity no less) is not an easy thing. There will be frustration, anxiety, and hurt. But I know it will be different. Because I will have married my best friend, with eternity in sight. The covenants I make within the temple to my Heavenly Father and to my husband would give me conviction to keep them and to work through whatever life and we ourselves throw at us. Plus, by then, I will be dealing with only one man's personality, quirks, habits, idiosyncrasies, etc. I won't be constantly thrown for a loop by first one and then another and then yet another man's unpredictable, unexplainable, likely unintentionally painful actions. I think dealing with my best friend's additions to a marriage will be so much better than what I have to deal with now. Especially considering how much he is going to have to deal with from me! I already love that man for willingly and patiently taking me on as his eternal companion. Bless him, and bless our road in finding each other. The pain is frustrating and awful at times, but it will definitely be worth it.

Gospel Message Day 235

The Lord in the Details and the Inspirations

So many roads cross when the Lord is making the map. Today had a whole slew of those roads!

*The Relief Society lesson was on the Book of Mormon, and coming home the radio played the Seminary song "For Our Day."



*I had picked today's music for Sacrament meeting almost two months ago. We decided to move the Priesthood number to Father's Day, so this morning I picked a song that might be related to the restoration of the Gospel/restoration of the Priesthood (being a couple days after the anniversary of that event). What I didn't realize until I got to Church was that two other songs I'd picked were all from that section of the hymnbook as well. It was a very Gospel grateful day. :-)

*The General Conference quote on our program was from Elder Bednar's talk about hushing our fears. On the radio, on my way to my service project, the Conference Moment was the same talk. And it completely relates to something I am personally going through, and thoughts I was having in Sunday School. (The next bullet point.)

*Sunday School's lesson dealt with the rich young man not wanting to give up his all in order to inherit the kingdom of God. My Institute teacher always teaches us to find the deeper application. And it came to me as we discussed in class. This totally applies to marriage. No, I am not marriage obsessed, but dating is currently a huge part of my life because I know it's what the Lord wants me to be working on.

And it got me to thinking how the not wanting to give up something for what is better and more of what God wants for us applies to all of us in the dating world. I've been watching how so many (and I'm not trying to push any fault off of me) keep holding on to things that get in the way of their dating successfully. Those things can include unrealistic and/or overly picky ideals they have about a future spouse, habits/interests that occupy more of their time and attention than is good, or the preferred desire to have their "freedom" and be allowed to just run around and "have fun" and not commit to any one. If we could just let go of these things, we would open our lives up to so many great, blessed opportunities that Heavenly Father longs to give us.

But I also want to point out that there is and should be something more important than that dating world. In class I was reminded that even though I need (sometimes force myself) to keep dating in my life, it is not where my first and foremost focus should be. That focus is still coming unto Christ. In my prayers, and scripture study, and Gospel study, and missionary opportunities. If I work on coming unto Christ first, and keep myself open to the dating stuff, and hush my fears related to it all, then all will come together as the Lord wants for me.

Gospel Message Day 230

Answers Everywhere

I love that my Savior knows me so well. And He knows the desires of my heart that are so often unspoken by me in prayer. I don't want to pester Him with the same things over and over again. And I don't want to be a slothful, unprofitable servant who has to be told what to do in all things. So I try to go out and research, practice, etc. in order to play my part as best as I can. My loving Savior, who knows what is on my mind and troubling my heart, always sends to me just what I need. He puts in my path stories, articles, and quotes that are uplifting, inspiring, and full of teachings I need. He sends along people who are supportive and kind. He enables opportunities. Through the Spirit He sends little suggestions for me to try out my wings just a little more.

The last two years of my dating/social life have been the best so far. Not because I've learned more about how to go about it (which is also through my Savior), but because I have grown closer to my Savior throughout it. I don't really know what, how, where, when things will go as I go along. But I trust my Savior and where He is leading me. I look forward to what more He has in store for me, even if it can be annoying, frustrating, disheartening, and sorrowful. It also brings some fun, humor, knowledge, compassion, and self-reflection. And most importantly, it brings me closer to my Savior.

Gospel Message Day 227

Rough Journeys

Some days are just rough. Some times it is weeks. Or longer. For me, it is often an accumulation of many small, rough things that lead to a very rocky road. Those small things by themselves seem silly that they should be causing any trouble. But it you put enough small rocks in the road, that road will be bumpy and difficult to pass. But pass it I will because the Lord has reassured me that there will be smoother spots along the way, and that the rough spots will be worth it, and that the end of the road will be a most glorious and joyful destination. In the mean time, how my spiritual vehicle is doing on that rough road is up to me. Am I giving it the fuel, care, and maintenance it needs? Do I have spiritual spare tires available to use if those rough patches cause a moment of flat tire?

I'm used to this road of mine. I love the smooth patches. I've gotten used to the fact that there are rough patches. Though I'll admit that there are occasions when I cry or complain over those rough patches. Yet I know it's a part of my road and I'll get through.

But today I was reminded of something that is absolutely wonderful about this trip along my journey on this road. I am not alone. I know that Christ is my navigator--holding the map and telling me the directions. But there are others. Brothers and sisters (physically and spiritually) who are with me. And once in a while I remember that they can help. And that help, support, kindness, reassurance, and encouragement along the road--both in the smooth and in the rough places--is one of the best parts about the journey.

Gospel Message Day 224

Topic Detour: My Savior, Still There

It's always a bit of a conundrum when (by current preferred choice) one is living alone, and then they are sick. Because there is the relief that no one can see you look as awful as you do. Or hear you in pain. Or be annoyed that you are moving your sick self all around the house.

But then you don't want to be alone. You want someone to take care of you. To sympathize. To love you.

I miss my mother. And my sister. And long for my best friend.

But though none of them are present, I'll be fine. Because even though I was crying out from waves of pain, I somehow started to sing (in gasps) one of my favorite "I'm going through a hard time, Lord" songs, which has always brought me comfort since the Darkest Days of My Life eight years ago. There's no way you can read this blog and not know what the song is.


And as I sang, and thought of how so much seems to be going wrong and falling apart, and started to cry out in an entirely different kind of pain as tears mingled with the singing, I knew even more that I am not alone. That my Savior's kindness still has not departed from me. Nothing--no man, no emotion, no illness, no any thing can hurt me because the Savior has never and will never leave me. Tears of pain began to include tears of gratitude and joy and faith. It was a rather sacred experience.

The Savior's Everlasting Kindness. I have a very firm testimony about that. It is unshakeable. As is my Lord's love for and blessings toward me.

Gospel Message Day 135

Not ready for a new topic this evening. I just want to testify that Heavenly Father knows His children perfectly. He knew how I was feeling this evening. He knew the emotional difficulty I've had this week. And though I would have been fine it I'd followed through with my previous plans, he put into my mind another option that would be beneficial in other ways. Empty wells cannot fill buckets. Or perhaps a better analogy would be runners who haven't had the proper rest and fuel aren't going to make it very far along the course. I can't get out their socially and be very effective if the idea of leaving the house is about to bring me to tears. No need forcing myself. It's not like any one there is going to miss me when I'm not there. And there will be other opportunities for me.

I some times forget in my quest to do and be and give what I can to help the Lord out in my single situation that I do not have to do and be and give ALL the time. It is OK to occasionally step back. Breathe. Relax. As long as I don't get comfortable and stay away from it all. So I am grateful that the Lord knows where I am and reminded me that I could take a break this evening. My opportunities will not cease because I took a night off.

And what a fabulous night off it has been!

Gospel Message Day 124

Holy Ghost, Part 9

I have an 'I Need to Cry' playlist on my iTunes. There are many people who do not understand why I have such a list. But I know why. I know how sometimes my emotions can get so built up and crazy and angry and hurt and confused and frustrated. And they need out. There will be no peace or comfort until all those emotions are vented. And honestly. I prefer crying as a method of ventation rather than whining, complaining, or some other angry, bitter outlet. But for some reason I can't explain, I'm not always able to just release those emotions in tears. Something has to help me along.

And for me, that something is the music the Spirit used to reach me. There are certain songs in which I will always feel the Spirit, whether because of their message, or the musicality, or from a previous experience I've had that I will never be able to separate from the song. I compiled those songs into a playlist. And whenever crying ventation needs to occur and needs a little help, I play that playlist. And the Spirit will at some point will use a song to touch me. And the release will come. And the comfort from the Spirit will inevitable flow in.

I've very often had the Spirit do this with a song when I'm not playing the playlist. This has happened frequently with a song on the radio. And even more so when I'm playing any song from my iTunes library. It's one reason I always play things on shuffle. I want the Spirit to be able to have some kind of control to bring up what it knows will help me, even if I don't realize I need it or haven't been ablt to ask for it, yet. (Often those are the songs that will end up on the playlist!) I just like to have the playlist so I can give the Spirit a hand. Because it has a full-time job with having to worry and deal with comforting me. Add on the rest of the world? HUGE job. So, I don't mind creating a more accessible tool for the Spirit to use to come to my aid.

And if you're curious what some of the songs on my playlist are, here's just a smidgen of the (currently) 82 of them:
My Kindness Shall Not Depart from Thee
Savior, Redeemer of My Soul
Unchained Melody
Just Let Me Cry
What Makes You Stay
She
My Immortal
To Make You Feel My Love
The Reason
I'm Not That Girl
Smile
You are Loved

Emergency Pollyanna Session

There are just those unexplainable days when all is great with your world, and yet the icky stuff wants to crowd it all out. For me, it is often the physical and emotional icky stuff. And while how one reached that point sometimes feels unexplainable, the reason behind it is not. The adversary is determined, especially in women, to undermine us. To make us feel unworthy, ugly, unwanted, unloved, unloveable, useless, undeserving. So many icky "u" words. And yet there is one good "u" word--understanding. Which we get from the Savior.

Today I feel especially ugly and unwanted and unloveable. At my core, I know my Savior understands. I know He wants to reach out and hold me until I not only believe in His love, but feel it as well. Usually in this life, that extension of His love has to come from other sources. The greatest lesson I have learned in my many single years is learning and finding ways to feel His love and find peace, joy, reassurance, and happiness in and from that love.

The best way I have found for me is to turn into Pollyanna (which frequent readers of this blog can attest to). And if there is a day for being Pollyanna, it is today. And not just any Pollyanna. A grateful Pollyanna.

*While I may be feeling absolutely awful, I can be glad because these feelings help me turn to remembering things that I have felt and thought in the temple--especially in recent days. I can remember that even if I do not like what I'm seeing in the mirror today, the Lord does so long as I'm doing my part to be obedient.
*I also know that even though I am having an I-Feel-Ugly day, it won't last forever. I can testify that these days pass. They always have. This one will, too. I've just got to keep pressing forward.
*I'm not in a pit right now. I've been in those. I've simply tripped and scraped myself up a bit. It will not be too long before I've brushed myself off. And stood up again. And kept going on my road of life. And soon the scrapes and bruises will be healed and I'll be dancing and twirling along my road again.
*Not that it's nice to be experiencing this right now, but it's nice to know that I'm still alive and still being tested. That I've got things to learn from this low time and that the Lord knows me enough--that I can make it through this, and loves me enough--that He won't let me go through this alone.
*I may be looking in the mirror and seeing all the flaws. The peeling skin. The red, burning patches. All the scars. The horribly frizzy hair streaked every day with more and more white and gray. But at least I have a face! Not that there are many people out in the world who don't have one. I mean, I have
-two working eyes
-two working ears
-a mouth that can eat (always a plus), speak, and especially sing
-a smile that will come back very soon I'm sure.
-Hair! Even in its shortened state, I still have it. And so many others do not. Rather the frizzy brown-white-gray mess than nothing at all!
-the psoriasis is still fairly contained after these 17 years, so it's not as bad or as painful as others' cases.
-Make-up. It really can do wonders.

And there are so many other things that the Lord is sending my way to help me feel His love even more.
*Just now I was listening to today's broadcast of Music and the Spoken Word. And MoTab sang one of my favorite songs from our recent Sterling Singers Christmas concert. And it was beautiful. And in that song I know the Lord was trying to tell me, "Remember Me. I love you."
(Here is a recording of the song by another choir, with the composer accompanying on piano. So, so beautiful.)

*I have my iPod full of my music. Music that always uplifts me. The Sunday playlist especially.
*Not the fondest of 1pm church time, but I do get quite a lot done in the mornings--getting all the stuff read for the lessons, and working on my calling. Having time to commune with the Spirit, to feel closer to my Savior on this His day.
*I got to dance last night. With many partners--some who were very good and put up with all my mistakes.
*I had some fabulous food yesterday and started the day off with a tropical shake--fresh coconut, fresh pineapple, fresh mango, fresh strawberries, and a vanilla bean. And I've still got plenty of food to last me for days.
*The Lamb of God solo auditions yesterday. I don't think I will be chosen for a part, because there were so many amazing people who auditioned, but it was such a lovely experience listening to all of those beautiful, talented voices singing some amazing music.
*Only having to work 3 hours yesterday. Saturday's are not my favorite days to work, so only having to do a portion of it was very nice.
*Rain! Any precipitation is great for us in the winter. I'll take it in whatever form, though rain is a lot easier for me to drive in. And means I didn't have to shovel my 90-foot driveway.
*My home. It still stands. It is in working order. It is an unexpected source of stability when I didn't think I would have that in my life right now.
*My health. So many getting sick around me, and I've gone more than a year without any cold, flu, or other ailment. It has been an even greater blessing for that because of all the added responsibilities I've had in the last year. I know my number is coming up soon, but I'm still grateful that right now I'm breathing free and full of energy.
*Clothes to wear. I might be getting tired of these clothes--some that I've had for 8 (or more) years. But I've got them. And they are in good condition. And they keep me warm and covered. And there are plenty of them. Plus I have the accessories of coats and things to keep me warm in the winter. And a few things to add some sparkle.
*Books. How can anyone be sad for long when there are books in the world?
*The Gospel. I know it, I live it, and I love it. But I also have it.
*My Savior and my Heavenly Father and the Spirit. All three are always there for me. An everlasting, underlying peace is always with me because of Them.

See? Already feeling better. Hold to these Pollyanna Positive Points, keep adding to them, and I shall pass through this very soon.

Gospel Message Day 61

Temple Ordinances, Part 8

I felt like sharing at least one more day on this topic, since I love it so much. I wanted to share this song:
 

And I have learned that truth: a family is forever.

To lay it all out on the table, I don't know how all of that is affected by divorce. My dad is the only one on his side who has not been divorced. Makes doing my family history a very interesting task!  I don't know how it works or doesn't, what happens to eternal bonds when a divorce takes place--especially a temple divorce. I can't imagine the agony that families affected by divorce must endure. I will never forget what my mother told me how my (divorced) uncle reacted when his children sang "Families Can Be Together Forever" at a funeral.

All I know is that I can only do my best in striving to make and keep the temple covenants Heavenly Father wants me to make. The unexpected, unplanned paths that are now opening to mid-single me were not ones I prepared for. Or ever thought would be a part of my life. But they are. And while I don't know what all will be involved if that path becomes the road in my life, I do know the Lord wants my happiness. And the happiness of the best friend I marry, and all that will be involved in that marriage. I trust that He will make sure all works together for our good if we live righteously and do our best and our all in relation to what He has asked us to do. It's not up for me to know how. Just to trust and love Him, as well as those who become a part of my life.

Gospel Message Day 47

In the Little Things, Part 5

I'm single. If you couldn't tell by all the blog entries that relate to that. A lasting, eternal marriage with my best friend is my 2nd greatest desire. But children are the 3rd. Growing up, I wanted 10 children. That number didn't change until years started to go by with no prospect of their father entering my life. Each year passing is another child gone. Add to that the physical difficulties that have made their way into the equation. I have changed that desire to more of a hope--that we may be blessed with at least one child of our own. And if that is not possible, that adoption will be able to come through for us in good time. I trust my Heavenly Father that He will bring about the things that He has promised me, if I remain faithful and continue to do my part. This includes where my marriage and our children are concerned.

But what about the time until then? I picked a career that would work with my children should I need to return to employment after they were born. However, it has proven to be a small amount of balm in my singlehood as I've been able to be a minuscule part of so many children's lives. To have a chance in teaching them, and providing fun opportunities, and helping them find sources of knowledge and entertainment. I've learned a lot about child development, education, and parenting that I never would have guessed I could have learned.

Right now, I get to experience one step above that. Because I love the kids I work with, but it is not the same as how I love my Niephews. It means the world to see the love in their eyes for me--even with the very young ones. Today I spent quite a long time with my 20-month old niece. LOTS of repetition in words and actions. :-) Bubble blowing. Playing on the swings. She "spoke" so much to me, and came running to me a few times. She was fine that I was the one who got her from her nap today. She let me hold her, and she snuggled with me. I had the chance to love and dote on an adorable cutie who loved me back. That's what I get with each of my 22 Niephews (of all ages) when ever I'm able to be with them. It is a sweet joy that I get to experience here and there until I get to do so forever with my own child(ren). But happy times--I'll still get to keep the wonderful relationships with my Niephews. It's a bonus! And I'm so grateful I don't have to wait on those relationships. I have them now. And with this vacation, I've been able to enjoy the relationships one-on-one. That's not a little thing. It's huge.

Gospel Message Day 26

Mid-singles Conference report, Part 3

One more day to finish mentioning some of the rest of the tidbits that I gained over the weekend. One session was The Apple Theory: How People Fall in Love. He likened how when we go out looking for people, we tend to do so the way we pick apples. We go for what is appealing, what it can give us or do for us. But we fail to look at the core. He also likened the Alma 32 scriptures of planting a seed to dating. It is mentioned at some point in v. 34 that faith becomes dormant. Brother Allen said that faith is dormant because you stopped thinking, desiring, and hoping. Alma warns against this 3 times in v. 36-39. I loved this analogy. Especially in v. 41. Dating is something that cyclically disheartens me, which can be quite frustrating. But I loved being reminded in these scripture verses that I need to continue at it with diligence and patience. He concluded the session with an analogy of his grandchild wanting breakfast brought to him in bed instead of going out and helping his grandfather make the breakfast. Sometimes we just want Heavenly Father to deliver it to us, but we have to go out and work for it.

The other session which I have not yet spoken of was about healthy relationships. It was basically an overview of the book and course of How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk. We wrote on the board a list of traits that one would find in a jerk. And she pointed out that we have all been guilty of some of those traits ourselves. But then she reminded us that there is a difference between sometimes acting like a jerk (because we all make mistakes) and being a jerk (which is persistent resistance to change). Some of the things she breezed over were familiar to me because I've heard Sis. Snell talk about them. Indeed, I was hoping to get the book some time. Now I am determined to do so soon. Especially as it talks more about the Relationship Attachment Model and hopefully more about the 12 general areas of compatibility.

The relationship stuff was all good info, but what stood out the most to me were the necessary ingredients for change.
1. Insight (see that you need to change)
2. New information (research; read books that deal with this, etc.)
3. Deliberate Effort (and have a way to measure it)
4. Time (and forgiveness of self and others)

This is such a great list to have on hand for any and all the future times that change will need to take place in my life. But I loved that I was able to step back and look over the last 18 months of my life, particularly related to dating and social life. These 4 ingredients were emblazoned over those 18 months. I was finally ready to get back in the dating world, but I knew something wasn't working. I knew it was me, but I wasn't sure what it was about me. And then Sis. Snell entered my life. She was the beginning source for me to obtain new information. I've been reading her materials as well as articles and other books. My eyes were opened to so much and understanding was flowing in. But I think a huge reason it was able to flow in was because I was ready for change--I was embracing it. (Which was a very difficult thing for me only a few years ago.)

 I have certainly been making deliberate efforts. There are very, very few people in my life who truly understand just how difficult it has been for me to make those efforts. It is against my nature in so many ways, and light years from my comfort zone. But that was one of the things that needed changing. Not that I'm changing who I am, but that I needed to change some habits and views and behaviors in my efforts so that change could come about. And it has. So amazingly, it has. I still can't believe how far I've come in the last year when I took my first step into the scary, unknown darkness. Alone. And the Lord has greatly blessed me for those efforts. He continues to do so. Thus, when I have my disheartening moments, as I have been feeling a lot over the last week or two, I need to remember that 4th ingredient. Time. Forgive myself for the mistakes I have made and continue to make. Forgive others related to this in my past as well as presently. And be patient and diligent in that time as I keep on with my deliberate efforts. I can't have my breakfast brought to me. I have to go make it. I can and I will.

To end, I shall leave you with this quote that she gave, which I find absolutely brilliant: Love is a fulness to give, not an emptiness to fill.

Gospel Message Day 25

Mid-singles Conference report, Part 2

I figured there was plenty more that I could say of some things I learned at the Conference this weekend. And as I have to miss the closing fireside for my Sterling Singers choir practice, blogging about it seems to work for keeping me in the spirit of it all. Not to mention that I feel like if I don't write about the things I've learned and felt, I'm just putting all that I learned immediately on the shelf.

The opening session speaker (Bob Kittell)  talked of living waters. He mentioned 3 things about living waters:
1) Living water heals us through the power of the Holy Ghost
2) Living water nourishes and sustains us
3) Living water brings peace and joy

I really liked that he focused on using gratitude to help us be more useful as a fountain of living water that can give to others. It's hard to give when you have nothing inside to draw from. I have found that the best way to build up what's inside is by looking at what you do have and expressing gratitude for it. I loved the exercise that he had us do where we ended up thinking of 20 things we were grateful for within a couple of minutes. It's the shorter version of what he does with students in getting them to think of 100 things in about 5 minutes. I think it's a brilliant exercise and I must try it once in a while.

Other gems:
*In the introductory, um, welcome, we were counseled: Be the one who says "Hello." Be the one who loves first. Definitely something I can always work on being better at.
*"If you're not going to listen, don't ask anymore." From a story he shared, but I feel it goes very well in relation to how we are when we ask the Lord for help. Do we ignore answers that we don't like, or don't want to hear? So why do we keep asking if we aren't willing to the answer he gives us? Or why do we keep asking for an answer ignoring the scriptures that are filled with answers if we'll but look there.
*"Let it go--I promise there are better things to come." In relation to being upset over difficult things in our lives.

Gospel Message Day 24

Mid-Singles Conference report

I only have a few minutes left of the the day. And rather than start a new topic, I thought I'd just share a few feelings/thoughts I had from the conference I attended today. So many great topics. But two very much stood out for me: the power of music to heal our souls and the importance of self-love.

That first one I figured I already knew. Any regular reader of this blog would know that years ago, during my darkest time of life, music was the one constant that helped me feel of the Lord's love and understanding. It often felt like the only thing that could reach me through all of that darkness. The only thing that let me know it was OK to cry at times. It helped me get through one day at a time. As David Osmond said last night, "Endure to the End...of this day." So hearing what Brother Scott Schroeder had to say was a complete affirmation that I had a testimony of exactly what he talked about. Our dark, difficult times were completely different, but we both knew what it was like to be suffocating in darkness. And for music to be the one thing that helped us let the Spirit in to allow the Savior's atonement to heal us.

The other session on self-love was something that I would have realize I'd known if I'd sat back and thought of it. Just not something that ever really came to mind. And yet Dr. Rick Hawks quoted scripture after scripture and apostle after apostle of things they have said related to self-love. Note that self-love is more along self-esteem, self-worth, and self-respect. It is NOT self-focus. It is NOT selfISH. And it is NOT selfLESS. He pointed out the difference in all of those things. The main thing I got was just how important self-love is to our progression in life. My number one priority is always the relationship between me and my Heavenly Father--I won't get personal revelation and inspiration unless I have a personal relationship with Him. But I won't be able to have that relationship until I first am able to love myself, and then love my neighbor as myself. So I need to take what time is needed to help me achieve that. Which I started to do immediately after when I laid out in the beautiful weather with the sun setting for an hour. Complete rejuvenation! I loved it.

Such a wonderful, uplifting conference. I gained a lot, and I am so glad I was blessed to be able to go--and that I followed through on the promptings that I should go.