Figuring It Out

Day 90

Well, no teens participated in either passive program for this month. I could be disappointed. But I have worked with too many “building” programs for children and teens. I’ve had many no-shows and no-participations. It took some time, but I learned to not take it personally, nor to become upset with the patrons for not coming. It’s just how it works. Especially right now where I’ve had teens used to not having anything for them. And teens whom I don’t really know very well. So everything I try is not only an experiment for me to see what they do and don’t like, or will or won’t do, but it’s also a way for them to get used to me and that I do want to offer programs to them which have not been before.

I’m grateful for every opportunity—successful or so-called unsuccessful—that helps me get to know who I’m trying to serve, and that the Lord brings that to me in not just work situations.

P.S. I was also extremely grateful to have 2 home teachers come to my home this evening. They provided a lesson (not a thought). They spoke with me. They laughed with me. They blessed my home with their presence.

Equality and Respect

Day 89

It sometimes surprised me to look around the table at one of our Librarian Meetings. Everyone is older. I’m surprised by the age. I’m surprised by the knowledge and wisdom and experience that surrounds me. In my last two libraries, I worked with a few who were older. However, I have worked with quite a few who were my age and in similar life situations as me. And now I look around and realize that all but one or two at this table are around my parents’ ages.

I come to realize how grateful I am for what they have to offer me as I grow in my career and in life as well. But I am also grateful that they treat me with respect and equality. It very much adds to my ability to feel confident and happy in my job and in my work.

Again and again, I say it, for it is so true—I am grateful the Lord led me to a place where I can find such fulfillment in what I do, and that is only added to by those around me.

I've Got Two Feet

Day 88

I’m part of a team at work for “March into May.” We’re tracking how many steps we walk for a month. We began yesterday. I figured this would be a great way to getting me back to walking during my lunch break. Last year I walked many a time during the winter months. But that’s because we didn’t have much by way of precipitation to worry about. Here, we do. And I may love rain, but I really don’t like rain when the temperature is cold. So with all of the snow, rain, and sleet I’ve had with this winter, I haven’t felt as excited about going out for a walk. Plus, I wasn’t quite sure of the neighborhood. But I’ve ventured a couple of times recently and feel confident at least with one route.

Thus, I took that route today. And oh my. It was a lovely day. Spring coming with the winter chill still in the air. Sunny with occasional cloudage. Sounds of children laughing and playing. Not too much traffic to worry about. Able to read during my walk. It all was wonderful. How I have missed my walks!!!

I’m so grateful the Lord has given me not only incentive to get back to something I love, but given me two working legs that help me simply do something that I love!

Talents...Again

Day 87

Another Talent Show. This time, for the entire Stake. New faces. New talents. New laughs. I thoroughly enjoyed myself...again. And I liked feeling ward pride, even if I’m still learning to fit in to this new ward.

I’m grateful that on occasion the Lord plays His hand in helping me attend such happy socializings.

(And playing with puppets in the morning wasn’t bad either!!)

Responsibility

Day 86

I fulfilled my calling today. I mean, I’m not done with it. but I finished my first task—and in the time frame I set for myself. It made me feel good to have something to do, that helps the ward, that needed to be done, and that is not beyond my capabilities but still takes a bit of wisdom and brain effort!

So while I’m grateful for a calling that helps others and makes me feel good about myself, my main gratitude is that this evening, I was able to just “veg.” Not that I wanted to be lazy. It had plans to write letters and family history and such. But a headache and subsequent stomach-ache prevented me from wanting to even more.

I’m grateful that it didn’t get worse, and that I had my wonderful couch which helped me repose more to ease the pain than any chair or bed can do.

Potato Time!

Day 85

I have my couch!!! I have hoping for ever so long to have a couch. Where I can stretch out my poor legs that need to constantly move because of the crooked knees, but also curl up when I want to. Where I can recline. Or where I can even sit-up! I had determined as soon as I was moving to my new life that I wanted to have a couch in it. In my first week I was already looking at the DI choices, for I knew I’d never be able to afford a new one. I was perfectly fine with that. But happy turn of events had my brother and his wife buying a new couch set, and offering me part of their wrap-around couch (which I remember them buying). The best second-hand stuff comes from people you know, and that you know how the stuff has been treated and cared for.

We finally figured out how to get the couch from there to here, and together my brother and home teacher carried the couch up the two flights of stairs.

I couldn’t be happier! You may think this is the silliest thing to be happy and grateful for. But you don’t know my knees. Or my back which has begun to ache. Or my inability to read and stay awake since laying down often induces the desire to sleep and I had no comfortable furniture for sitting up in. And my home just feels...like a real home. With my bed and my couch, I am a thrilled and happy person.

I’m grateful that the Lord knew how much this couch would mean to me, and that my brother and his wife were so kind to give it to me.

All Kinds Everywhere

Day 84

I got to visit a “work friend” after work today. She and I were at the same branch for a few weeks before she moved over to another branch. But we were what I like to think of as instant friends. A whole Anne and Diana kind of instant. I like that. We have a lot in common and she is always someone I enjoy conversing with. It has been sad to not see her at my branch, but I still get to see her at little meetings for the system. Still, it was nice to be able to see her away from work. And it was nice that she wanted to see me away from work! It is fun to have someone to talk to about work who understands. But to also have much in common outside of work that the conversation never dulls or dies.

I’m grateful to the Lord for sending us all kinds of friends.

Dearest Children

Day 83

Not much at work beats getting to sing and dance and read with little kids. Especially ones who are so eager to learn. And whose every new achievement is wonderful and exciting. It puts into perspective how we as older people should still be happy and proud of the accomplishments we make in our daily lives, no matter how small.

The lessons the Lord gives us through children is priceless, and I’m grateful I have it in my life even while I currently do not have a family of more than one.

Simple Thanks

Day 82

Life’s good. Not always easy. But still wonderful and good.

Thank you, Lord.

He Leads Me

Day 81

I had the fun and joy of giving a Cub Scout tour in the library today. Sometimes they’re just regular tours. This is that. Over here is such and such. But once in a while a group is required to learn or do something to help pass of one of their activity things. This particular group wanted to learn about the proper way to treat books. I had a lot more fun preparing for that than I would have thought. Including some nostalgic moments of watching a Reading Rainbow video from my childhood. Reading Rainbow means so much more to me now as I reflect on my life. When I watched the show, I was into reading so far as it was my mom and sister reading to me. I enjoyed it and I loved going to the library. But I did not know that a few years later I would indeed become an avid reader on my own, going on to receive an undergraduate degree in English and becoming an official librarian after receiving my MLIS. As the years have gone on, I have become more and more of an advocate of reading—at all ages.

So, not only did I enjoy the preparation for the tour and the tour itself, but also enjoyed reflecting on the role reading (and libraries) has played in my life.

I am every day grateful for the path the Lord led me along in which I came to love reading, have friends and family who love reading, and have had the chance to work in many libraries.

Anniversary

Day 80

Two months at the job, and I’m still loving it. Still happy.

I’ll never be able to thank my Savior enough for such wonderful happiness!

Official

Day 79

I am official. I feel official. My records were FINALLY read in (they came about a week ago) today. And immediately after, I was extended and sustained for my calling. I later was set apart for my calling, and immediately following was introduced to my new home teachers.

I feel much less unsettled now, and I’m grateful the Lord has helped me find a good place for my new home and ward.

I also managed a visit with my Grandmother and uncle, who then took me to my aunt’s ward for a neat fireside by descendants of Joseph Smith, Jr. and Emma. These fireside opportunities are great, considering this was 1 of 3 that I chose from in one evening!

AND! In my few minute of hearing Music & the Spoken Word on my way to church, MoTab sang Ryan Murphy’s version of “Pilgrim Song.” Oh the memories that song holds for me. I had to try very hard not to cry so I didn’t smear my mascara, YET. But I also saw it as a bit of a sign from my Savior, and I was very grateful for it.

And More Talent!!

Day 78

Another Jr. High musical performance. And I have to say that this one was better than the other. They performed the full-length of “Scarlet Pimpernel”—a musical I’ve always wanted to see. And they had amazing acting and singing talent. And the costumes and, oh, well, everything. It was not a professional Broadway production, of course. But it had me leaving feeling just as uplifted as I have from some of the Broadway shows I’ve been able to see. It was all a reminder of how much I love (and miss) musical theater. How I’m glad that it is such a prominent thing around here. How I’m grateful that schools and parents support their children in these endeavors.

And I’m grateful the Lord has reminded me just how much musicals mean to my heart and spirit.

Never Underestimate Friendship

Day 77

I had a small turnout for my All Things Green party. One person. Unless you count Bob. Though he and Molly and Cupcake all stayed in the bedroom anyhow. Still. I’ve had less come to my parties. And while I love people to come, I don’t need them to come for me to enjoy myself. I plan what I know I will enjoy and invite others to enjoy with me. I was happy that the friend who came tonight was one I could very much enjoy the evening with. I made a version of my Mom’s yummy green Jell-O salad. And we watched 4 episodes of Dr. Quinn while reminiscing about growing up with the show, and laughing at various things.

But what I love most is how sincerely, fully, honestly, and willingly this sweet sister has offered her friendship to me. She has accepted me immediately and made me feel welcome and wanted. I don’t think a deserve such an immediate and fast friend, especially considering how hard it is for me to make friends.

Then to be reminded that there is not just this dear sister, but three who have whole-heartedly accepted me, with many others who are so kind and wonderful—it all culminates in being grateful to the Lord, because He knew just how much I needed friends like this right now.

More Talents

Day 76

I love St. Patrick’s Day! I love my green. But that is not today’s gratitude. There was no Institute because of the college’s spring break. I look forward very much to my weekly Institute class. It provides the spiritual, mental, and social rejuvenation that I found at our mutual activities when I was in YW. Indeed, Wednesday used to be my favorite day because of that. Now, it is Thursday. (Plus—I get to do storytimes those days—bonus!!)

I could have enjoyed an evening at home. But I decided to use this time to start making some connections with schools, which is important for a librarian who serves all youth under age 19. I decided to go to a local Jr. High’s musical performance. I was back and forth on what to expect, as I know many areas of Utah provide amazing musical and theatrical talent, but was still wary as to what a Jr. High could offer at that growing and developing age of talent (among other things). So, I was pleasantly surprised at the talent I was presented with. And I thoroughly enjoyed myself for the entire performance. It made me so happy to be in an area where even the young teens can provide such talent and entertainment.

One more thing to add to the always-growing list of how the Lord forever and always will know what is best for me—what I need, when I need, and how I need it all.

Talents Abound

Day 75

I went to a Stake art show this evening. I don’t think I will ever get over just how talented so many people are in so many ways. At one time in my life, it would have daunted me and maybe even had its moments of making me feel less of a person because I could never offer such amazing results.

But one thing I have learned in the last couple of years is not to compare, and to be happy with who I am. I have also learned that even if I can’t draw or photograph or write or crochet or whatever as well as what I see, I know that of what I try and do, I am trying and doing my best. And I like comparing myself with myself and seeing my growth. I don’t think I’ll ever be of the caliber to display for others. But I can be grateful of the flecks of talent that I see improving of a pace, and be happy to have something to occupy myself and bring me happiness. I am also reminded that the Lord has given me great talents somewhere. It is just up to me to find them, develop them, and share them.

I am grateful that the Lord provided this show to help me remember or learn these things.

On Screen

Day 74

It’s terrible to be grateful that I got paid to sit and watch a movie this evening, isn’t it? But it was a good, inspiring movie that made me walk away uplifted. So only two people came to the program. I’m still grateful that I was uplifted.

I love the Lord’s little uplifts!

My Own Family

Day 73

I sometimes miss not going to FHE regularly. Especially when its one of the few times outside of the Sabbath day that I can get to know the people in my new ward. But I also know that I am a family of one. And I don’t mind having family times for me.

Whatever it may be, and whatever time of day it is, I’m grateful that the Lord blesses me and my family of one to have time to grow closer to Him and become who He knows I can be.

Oops.

Day 72

A lesson in humility for me today. I am usually the one who reminds everyone of upcoming time changes. Considering where I work, it’s hard to forget it’s coming. It was no different this time. I reminded many. And I had alarms set up on my work calendar. But yesterday’s Very Hard Time completely wiped it out of my mind. I had a full morning of lesson reading, waffle making, and just my typical relaxed Sunday morning. I made it to the church building a few minutes early for choir. And I walked into the building hearing a Sacrament song being sung. As I thought, “How odd the other ward is singing that for a closing hymn,” all of the signs hit me at once: the parking lot was full with no one from the first ward leaving. There was no one leaving the RS room I stood next to. No one was leaving the church building next to my apartment complex. Everything pointed to how I’d forgotten to set my clocks, and that I never look at the time on my phone or laptop. The next two thoughts were simultaneous: “Wow they got to the sacrament hymn quickly” and “I could just leave right now and go to a different ward today.”

I know. That sounds drastic. But you have no comprehension of some of my social anxieties. And this was right at the top of “oh my word!” for me. But this was my ward. And I was only 8 minutes late. And it’s not like this is frequent...at all!!! It was just the first time I could remember being late for Church since I had begun college over 10 years ago.

But mostly, the Lord knows it certainly didn’t hurt me to be humbled a bit to teach me again about being more aware, and accepting when I make mistakes.

Besides, it’s not like many in the ward even know who I am, let alone noticed my late arrival. And I soon was enjoying a hearty laugh over the one friend who did notice. 

In His House

Day 71

Today was a very hard day. The hardest I have had since moving here. It was a bit unexpected. It was overwhelming and exhausting. And it’s not quite over.

But I am grateful for the hours I was able to spend, crying in the House of my Lord.

Making the Effort

Day 70

I went to part of a Mingles Activity for the branch. Part of it was just a little too late for my taste, but I was willing to eat dinner at a late hour in order to socialize. I think it is good I am setting a goal to go to every social opportunity that I can. For one, it gets me out when my first impulse (and desire) is to not go. Even though I know it is usually better for me to go. Even if it’s just part, at least I’m making the effort. And tonight, like most of the other times I go, I enjoyed myself. I enjoyed seeing the people that I do know and getting to know new people. I loved feeling welcomed and wanted by new friends.

The Lord knows what friends can do, especially for me, and I am most grateful.

Pursuit of Knowledge

Day 69

Never fails. Every week. I love Institute. I always gain something.

I’m grateful that the Lord always has something for us to learn, if we will but put forth the desire and effort to learn it.

Now You See It, Now You Don't

Day 68

I love snow that comes and then melts! It is the best kind of snow, because I don’t have time to get tired of it. It comes. Looks beautiful. Gives us moisture. And then is gone. Happy day. And even better is that so far the Lord has allowed my traveling experiences with it to be better than some others I have talked to. Maybe He is easing me into it as I get used to its greater frequency and larger amounts. I’m fine with that!

I’m grateful the Lord knows my fears and worries, and helps ease me into something He knows I can handle.

From the Past

Day 67

I saw a friend today. A “long-time friend.” We’ve known each other for 20 years. We became friends about the time I entered the Young Women’s Program—almost 17 years ago. As those YW days wore on and many changes occurred at school and church, we became very close. She was one of my best friends at Church. It was with a little relief that right after she graduated, my family moved away. It would have been a very sad thing to not have her at school or church. We kept in touch through the college years. And we were able to see each other one time in the intervening 13 years. A brief couple of hours, but a nice time to catch up and one with life-changing consequences for me, for my friend gave me my first Josh Groban CD. I don’t know if she ever realized what a gift that was!! So, it was a nostalgic gratitude to see her at my new library, knowing she lives nearby. Busy life keeps me from getting to see many of whom I’d like to see often, but it’s so nice to know we are in close proximity again. And to see us as adults—the years of YW preparing us for this time of our lives and beyond.

I’m so glad the Lord knows about friendship, and the importance of lives that helped shape us into who we are, and helping us to remember those friends with fondness, joy, and gratitude.

Evening Snowfalls

Day 66

I have not tired of the snow. No, not yet. It is still so lovely--and I love that so much can fall in so short of a time. Even if those few hours are my last hours at work. And I have to clear my car off. And then drive home on uncleared streets because it is falling so fast and thickly. But it is still so beautiful!!!!

And I found a gratitude to go along with the beauty of the snow:

So far, it has all happened at night. On the nights I close. Meaning I get out of work when most people are no longer on the roads, or don't even want to venture out any more (whether or not weather was good). I can drive slowly and safely with relatively few cars on the streets with me. I can drive in darkness, which for me actually helps me see the snow better--on the ground as well as everywhere else. It not only leads to admiring its beauty more, but helps me see the streets and and tracks and drive more safely in them.

Odd gratitudes, yes, but the Lord knows that though I love snow and have driven in it before, I still am grateful for anything that can ease my way through it and make it a safer journey. The journey of life is hard--assistance from my Savior is always desired and needed, and hopefully appreciated.

Rest to My Soul through Song

Day 65

Today was a difficult day, emotionally. Very hard--hardest I've had in a while actually. Because emotions were insistent and pressing. But I still dealt in small pieces. And found the greatest comfort in music. Various lines in the hymns we sang reached out to me to touch my heart and bring peace to my soul.

"From him I'll gain my fondest dream."
"While I strive through grief and pain, His voice is heard 'Ye shall obtain.'"
"Bid thine heart all strife to cease."
"I have loved thee as a friend, with a love that cannot end."

And then I had time before the fireside to sit at a piano.

And play. And sing.

It is so rare for me to have that now. And I needed it. I needed the time to praise my Savior and my Father in song and with my own voice--not hindered by any restraints. It was a wondrous thing to sing to and for Them, and yet still receive comfort for me.

How grateful I am for music, for the Lord's gift of music to me (such as it is), and especially for the Lord helping me gain and receive so much through music--particularly today.

(And my favorite chocolate cake is baking--always a boon that!)

Shelter

Day 64

With a broken furnace, I am extremely grateful that I work in a place that retains its heat quite well. A place that shelters us from wind and weather--even if it is not very cold or snowy...yet.

I am grateful for the shelters the Lord has brought to my life--physically as well as spiritually and mentally and emotionally; that I am protected by His love, mercy, understanding, and gentleness.

It puts me in mind of some lyrics from a song that I love (from a musical that I love!):

Try Not to Be Afraid

[The Man]
Try not to be afraid, so many things can happen,
But nothing's ever quite as bad as it might appear.
I'll give you all I got. You know I can protect you
And try and stop you shedding even one more single tear.

[Swallow]
Shelter from the storms.

[The Man]
Refuge from the world outside.

[Swallow]
Safety from the dangers.

[The Man]
Escape from all the disappointments that time has passed.

[Swallow & The Man]
Healing of the wounds, the banishing of nightmares.

[The Man]
An end to endless tortured night, untroubled sleep at last.

[The Man & Swallow]
This is the vow I've made. I'll see it all come true now
And all you have to do for me: Try not to be afraid.

[The Man]
I swear I'll be with you, this promise that I've made you:

[The Man & Swallow]
You will always be with me

[The Man]
Think of every thing you've got, try not to be afraid.

[Swallow]
Try not to be afraid.

[The Man & Swallow]
Try not to be afraid.

A full heart

Day 63

Two wonderful things today!

I was able to return to my dear ol' college town. I don't care how much the people in this valley look down on that valley. A part of me belongs there. It will always be so. Even with all of the changes that happen in the city around and on the campus itself, it still is very, very dear to me. I spent some of the most crucial, memorable, growing years there. It is a part of my soul and I will always love it. So to spend a couple of hours this morning on the campus, well, I had to hold in my tears of joy or else the students on campus would have thought me totally bizarre!!! Or I might have caused some concern, as I did a few times when I was a student myself on that campus and walking around with very different kinds of tears.

Oh yes. And one glorious addition to loving being there was knowing that I. Am. An. Alumnus. hee hee hee hee! No more student days there. The campus looks so much more glorious, fun, and exhilarating when I don't have to walk around it worried about papers and tests and so much more. :-)

The other wonderful was spending the rest of the day with a very dear friend whom I haven't seen since I left UT last. We went to the beloved Provo temple, and to 5 Guys for dinner (mmmmmmm) and to an aquarium for an evening outing. And that's not to mention the constant talking we did all among that!!! (Well, except in the temple. We waited until we were outside the temple before we let out giddy reunion joy take us, and then spoke for over an hour in the parking lot.)

I love that the Lord knows my heart and what many, many things make me happy.

Enough

Day 62

I had my first storytimes at my new job. And I was so nervous and scared about it. All new people. Huge groups. Not sure of the ages. And feeling exceedingly inexperienced, inadequate, and just...not enough.

It meant a lot to have a word of support and comfort from a fellow (Children's) librarian friend.

And it meant a great deal to see smiling children, enjoying the storytime. And to have parents thank me. And to be reading and singing with children again.

But I think the best thing is the Lord reminding me that in all things if I do my best and give all I can, I will always be enough.

To the Nines...almost, kinda, sorta, well, not

Day 61

It was very much a day about looks. I sometimes need those vain days, which I'm sure you know if you've been reading this blog for a while. I went for cute hair for Seuss' birthday: two french braids. And I went for fun, cute, and flattering for clothes: my new Christmas dress. Then I went for lazy with everything else: no make-up, no jewelry.

And I felt that I looked fabulous, which made me feel fabulous, which is I'm sure a feeling that the Savior doesn't mind me feeling!

Future Plans

Day 60

So, yesterday "they" announced the dates for Josh's new tour. And I immediately wanted to see him in concert. Again. Well, you know--3rd time's a charm. (Not sure about a charm for what, but whatever.) Funny on that, too. Because there are some songs I absolutely love:

"Hidden Away"

"Au Jardin Des Sans-Pourquoi"

"If I Walk Away"

"Straight to You"

*"Higher Window"*

And they're pretty much the ones that make me cry a lot. So, you would guess correctly that I don't listen to them as often as one would think. I'm trying to be strong and not dilute my mind with sorrow, false notions/hopes, and more.

Then there are some songs that I am really, really not getting. I mean, I think I'm either misinterpreting it or just, well, not getting them. So, I don't feel drawn back to them to get more out of the songs as I have with other Josh songs that I've not gotten immediately in the past.

I think it is all admitting that he is finally starting to take some of his music in some directions that I just don't/can't/won't follow.

Yet, that doesn't mean I do not thoroughly enjoy seeing him in concert. And love my memories of the last 2 concerts I attended. And would like to go again. But this time, there was someone I wanted to go more than anyone else.

My Dad.

A couple of years ago, Dad answered a question some get-to-know-you questions, and the answer to "who would you like to see in concert" was not Linda Ronstadt (is she still singing?) but Josh! And since then I've wanted my Dad to go. Well, this year is a significant birthday year for Dad, and yesterday I thought "Yes! What a perfect gift." However, by himself? Not fun. 'Cause I know there is no one else in the family out there who would want to go with Dad.

So I called Dad to see if he would still like this gift even if it meant alone. He mentioned it would have been nice if we could go together. And immediately I thought, "Why not fly there? I now live where it is much cheaper to fly to my parents' home than it was before." And the concert where he is is only 2 weeks after the concert where I am. And the thought came that it would be an even greater birthday present to get to share Josh together. After all, who really introduced Dad to Josh anyhow? And loved having that musician in common with him?

Add to that,
1.) I'd get to visit my parents' home again--which I did like.
2.) If my brother leaves for his mission before the summer is out, then it might be nice to give my empty-nester parents a visit during an emotional time.
3.) If he hasn't left, yet, then I'd get to see him again before he left.
4.) I'd get to see my "new" nephew. He'd only be about 4 or 5 months old, which is newer than 3 of his siblings were when I met them.
5.) I'd get a vacation right at the end of Summer Reading.
And 6.) Did I mention I'd get to share Josh with Dad?

I love the Lord's hand to bring about exciting plans in the future that have all good on all sides--it's something so wonderful to look forward to that will totally be worth the wait!