Progression

Day 120

Except for anything work-related (because it was all awesome and I'm ahead of the game in some areas!), everything of this entire week was so hard. Honestly--the highlights for me were mostly about food. Have to find the positive somewhere! But I made it. I made it through in spite of

-the PCOS and psoriasis having a war...on my face

-the return of the cold/allergy thing needing to be fought

-having to baby-sit the landlords' dogs (I do not like pets)

-being stuck in a messy room that will have to stay in its messy state until I'm completely moved out

-resuming packing (I hate packing--though I did enjoy the 3 week break)

-too lifelike dreams of pressing things that have been on my mind

-having no one to talk to when I've really needed someone to talk to

-receiving no hugs (except the thank-you hug for the present I gave my due-any-day-now LDS friend and supervisor)

-a non-existent good-bye that hurt when I didn't think it would affect me

-lots of tears (but they are productive, worthwhile tears that are helping me)

So, yes. A tough week. And not over, yet. But I don't feel bogged down by it. I don't feel regressed in any way. I feel that I am truly pushing through the horrible, hard, huge, horrendous stumbling boulders in my way.

There is progress. It is slow. It is painful. It is heart-wrenching. It is exhausting.

But it is. With Him, it is.

P.S. My collard greens in my Mac & Cheese--magnificent combination.

La mia parola

Day 119

I have a new love.

Chicken Cacciatore

I'd heard raving reviews of a nearby Italian restaurant (with giant portion sizes) and thought I'd give it a try. I'd never heard of this dish, and wanting to stray from the ordinary, that's what I ordered.

A decent side salad.

Amazing garlic bread (some of the best outside of what I can make myself that I've ever had).

And the most unbelievable entree.

Was it the restaurant's amazingness?

The food's delectableness?

Or that I haven't had a fabulous Italian meal in so long?

Whatever the reason(s), it was THE highlight of the day.

(That and watching The Village for the love story.)

Yumminess is in Season--All Year Round!

Day 118

Four times within 10 days and I knew it was the Spirit telling me I should act. I was made more aware and decided to finally look into it: eating seasonally. I figured if I'm learning to watch portion size, and be aware of calories, and try to take in more nutrients that I didn't realize I was lacking so much, then I could learn what foods are in season when, and how to cook them, too!

Monday I ventured to the local farmer's market--and hope to make a weekly or bi-weekly habit if I find the prices doable. And today I had the time to learn how to cook...

Collards!

Luckily, I had leftover parts from my first ham that I cooked on Easter. So I added them in with onions and a few spices and went about cooking them. As it would take 2 hours before I could see how that would turn out, and I needed something to eat until then, I turned to the other quite yummy food that I bought...

Asparagus!

I steamed it, then broiled it atop garlic bread. Mmmmm--it was so good! And I couldn't believe it had so few calories in it. I had plenty of room to try my first-attempt at collards.

However, the collards still had a good way's to go. And the kitchen seemed full of southerness. And the collard recipes mentioned to keep the water the collards were cooked in and sop it up in order to obtain the nutrients thereof, so I simply had to make...

Cornbread!

Of course, we were still out of eggs as we were on Sunday when I make Chocolate Cone Cakes. I hadn't planned ahead of time to make cornbread, and I was not able to run out to the store. So I used the same substitute as I did with the Cone Cakes. Mayonnaise. Yeah. Well. It has eggs in it. And I've been using it in chocolate cakes aplenty. Just never in any other recipe. I wondered how it would turn out. The cornbread? Amazing. Not as fantastic as Sister W.'s or Mum's (though I'm pretty sure Mum used the same Betty Crocker recipe that I used tonight, sans mayonnaise). Still, pretty good.

Then the collards were done. I got 4 cups of cooked collards from the big bunch that only cost me $2. I know--4 meals for $2! And the cupful that I had tonight was so good. A little on the spicy hot side--perhaps a bit too much of that spice. But really good. Better than the only other time I can remember eating collards.

I hope buying in the season will often be this affordable, easy to prepare, and yummy in taste.

"We're So Happy"

Day 117

What a roller coaster this week is already turning out to be. But there was still plenty of good. Like, after weeks of preparation, my official introduction of the following song into my preschool storytime.

Ah. It went so well. I had so much fun singing it, and I think the kids (and parents!) loved it, too. Can't wait until they've learned it for themselves. It will be great. But singing that song and having it in my head the rest of the day helped push away all the blech.

Amazing how one song can do that.

A Perfect Date

Day 116

"Describe your perfect date."

"Oh. That's a tough one. I would have to say April 25th, because it's not too hot and it's not too cold. All you need is a light jacket!"

-Miss Congeniality

Well, weatherwise, yes. Yesterday was a perfect date. But so much of the rest was not so perfect. For me. So I took the quote I came across last week and decided to apply it. And it worked! What a difference it made to wake up and determinedly push away the unhappy thoughts that wanted precedence. I refused to let them bother with me. I refused to let them take up my time, or weigh down anything.

Besides, today promised to be too awesome to let the sorrows of yesterday bother me today. Arising early. Scripture reading. Walking. Crocheting. A chick-flick I love. Fantastic food. Constant on the go at work. My first all-out YA program--which went really well! Lovely rain to listen to. Happy smiles on many faces, including mine. And so much more. It was, truly, a perfect date!

I'm grateful that today I can testify of this truth: beginning a day serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with old nonsense makes for the best choice in attitude.

Because of...

Day 115

...Everything.

...Anything.

...And nothing.

It has come...

...Long.

...Hard.

...Wrenching.

....Sobbing.

...Shaking.

Over and over again.

Sometimes, I just have to cry.

Over and over again.

Today the Lord has helped me have those tears.

One thing has been missing.

Someone to hold me until it's all over.

At least, to hold me physically.

Because spiritually, the Lord had been there holding me through each bout of tears...and will stay until it is completely over.

Always something to do

Day 114

Pray for a productive day. Work for a productive day. Get a productive day. I achieved everything on my To Do list at work--and more! Even managed some of my Church responsibilities on my break. And then not only was my evening productive, it was downright enjoyable! So much laughter and also enlightenment.

I love and am grateful for a fulfilling day. The Lord blesses me so much.

Because I Have Today

Day 113

Aside from my tri-weekly visit, today was spent with no plans. Last night and all day I kept feeling like I should make plans. That somehow that would make me feel more productive. But the headache, my exhaustion (and the 3 or 4 times I felt I was nodding off while driving home), and the annoyance of craving so much chocolate in the last 2.5 months reminded me over and again that not running about with plans up to the sky might be a good thing. At least for a day.

So, I let the day go as it wanted to. That's a rarity for me, and one I don't think I could easily get used to. But it was nice for a change. And where the day went was simple, easy, and a little indulgent. I went to the word games website I only go to once every 2 or 3 years because of how addicted I get to it. (Seriously--over two hours tonight and I'm craving more!) I cooked easy (yet delicious) meals. I finished the wonderful "Lark Rise" series. And among those last 3 episodes I had episodes of my own of crocheting and...napping. Then I ventured below into the entire, huge, empty house that I had all to myself. This allowed me to put on the wonderful Slipper & the Rose and laugh as heartily as I wished, and sing at the top of my lungs.

But the biggest and most telling thing of all was probably the sink-load of dishes I put in to soak...and did not wash. It put me in mind of the chorus of the title song of Hilary Weeks' CD "If I Only Had Today." I love her music. This song immediately became a great favorite of mine when I first heard it last year at Time Out for Women.

It seems like I've watched a million sunsets

And stared at a thousand full moons.

Sometimes it feels like I've been here forever.

And sometimes it all feels brand new.

I could never count the heartbeats

From the day I was born until now.

But not a single one goes unnoticed

By Him who breathes life in me somehow.

But if there were no more tomorrows,

If I knew that I could not stay,

I know how I'd spend every minute

If I only had today.

I'd hold you and listen

And I'd let the dishes sit in the sink.

I'd tell you I love you over and over

And for once I'd just let the phone ring.

Then I'd remind you of forever

And how our love would never change.

If I only had today.

I'd wake up before the sun did

And I'd watch as you quietly sleep.

I'd pray for time to move slowly

Knowing the moment won't keep.

All the gifts that heaven has given,

Every blessing that's come my way,

Wouldn't mean anything without you.

So, if I only had today,

I'd hold you and listen.

I'd memorize every detail of your face.

I'd tell you I love you over and over--

I wouldn't let excuses get in the way.

Then I'd remind you of forever

And how our love would never change.

If I only had today.

There's no time like the present.

Life doesn't come with any guarantees.

The sun will set.

Time won't wait.

So, while I have today,

I'll hold you and listen.

I'll let the dishes sit in the sink.

I'll tell you I love you over and over.

For once I'll just let the phone ring.

Then I'll remind you of forever

How our love will never change.

Because I have today.

Because I have today.

So, I guess, because I did have today, I was just reminding myself that I really do love me--and remembering that the Lord loves me, too.

The Man

Day 112

It is well-known...at least, by my mother...that in the last few years and thus readings of The Book of Mormon, I have found a favorite hero. I love the whole book. It is certainly one of my favorites in many respects. But I can't help having a favorite character right now. And it is such a happy thing to be reading about him right now.

How I love Amulek!

"My One Weakness"

Day 111

-observing interactions and relationships which help me reflect upon and learn from my own

-simplicity in life and knowing what is worthy and worthwhile

-honest, true values shown to be important and worth having

-happiness in marriage portrayed to be important, worth having, and possible

-observing a good example of a strong, happy marriage at work

-spending a lengthy amount of time with people who soon feel as if they're friends--even if they're fictional people

-enjoyable laughter of all kinds

-quotes worthy of application and memorization

-period dramas

Yes--I have been enjoying all of these in the form of Lark Rise to Candleford--my latest period obsession.

(And if you're familiar with the series, you'll know how hilarious and pertinent the post title is.)

With Mine Own Hands

Day 110

I did it. I completed an entire publication using Publisher. And I think it looks pretty fun. Not as wow or professional as some others' work, I know. But good for me. And I'm happy with that.

I like producing a decent, acceptable product--especially after much work put into it!

Nonsensical Nonsense

Day 109

How many little mistakes can one make in a day? Countless. I know. I can testify of that. Daily. I had a wonderful co-worker who kept trying to cheer me up by treating lightly and/or writing off various teeny things that I kept messing up and vocally berating myself over. Then she topped that off with overly complimenting me on things I was doing well and right. She is so sweet. I'm always grateful for her.

But what I'm most grateful for today is the principle she probably didn't even realize she was reminding me of, and which I need to apply more to my life.

It just so happened that a daily quote sent to me went right along exactly with the principle--and I think I need to memorize it!

Finish each day and be done with it.

You have done what you could;

some blunders and absurdities have crept in;

forget them as soon as you can.

Tomorrow is a new day;

you shall begin it serenely

and with too high a spirit

to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Amen.

More than One

Day 108

My trip to the temple has set a need for pondering things. And what I rarely have now is time to ponder. Which is sad. Because thinking (as I call it) is so beneficial for me. Healing in many cases. Uplifting, inspiring, enlightening, and renewing as well. Yes, all things that--as we learned in Relief Society today--the Holy Ghost helps us with. While I knew I wouldn't get much, I still knew I needed some time alone. Real alone time. So I left for church very early and went walking in the quiet neighborhood by the church building.

It was the perfect weather for a walk, and (as you must know by know) how I love a walk!

I only just got started on my ponderings, but that was expected. This is not anything that will go away in a day or two. But I had hoped the walk would put me in a more pleasant attitude for others to be around. It was close to working. Then as I waited for choir to start, I began reading the April Ensign. I read the wrong article. It started mentioning every thought and reasoning I'd been having with some particular trials. The tears that came so fast were quelled just as quickly, what with the public setting and needing to compose myself to begin choir. But I now wonder--was it the wrong article to read? Or was it a right one? And if so, exactly what was right about it that I should be getting from it? I don't want to misinterpret the spirit in this.

Whatever the case, I'm grateful there is an abundance of sources (current ones, too!) that always find some way to help me with my trials.

It did help that two people sensed I needed a hug. And one mentioned my solo a few days ago. And one who could see my the pain in my eyes came to sit by me, probably unaware of how depressed I get when I sit alone. And another complimented me on what I was wearing. And another offered me the last of a bag of chips I really like. And one or two just ignored anything that might have come out a little less sweetly than it should. And two waited patiently until I was a bit more myself and never alluded to my difficulties.

And in these little things that no one had any idea of their effect, I found it to be a bit more easier to endure the turmoil inside.

Plus I have found a small project in my family history that will take a bit of time! Good, worthwhile time of course. But a whole list of names from a tree on Ancestry and so far I'm not finding them on new Family Search. I'm doing what I can to double check names, dates, records, etc. and make things accurate. But could it be that I've found eight people who have been "forgotten" and with no one out there tracing them? Or at least a lost connection within my own family that I can try to reconnect?

I do love finding family!

Athletics vs Anxieties

Day 107

We had an activity this evening that sent every one of my social anxieties into high gear. It's awful when I know what's wrong, and I know the solution (leave), but I can't really do that (oh--that awful having to be supportive and sociable and responsible and....urg!!) and I've never been able to master the alternative (staying) gracefully or cheerfully. It was very, very hard. Yet, of course, I'm the one who comes off as grouchy, immature, ornery and the who-in-the-world-wants-to-be-around-her person. Luckily, one thing came up that often works in helping me to get over at least the scared-coming-off-as-grouchy aspect--playing a sport I enjoy.

Yes. OK. So it took me ten minutes (and the help and support of my great, understanding, non-visiting teaching friend) to work up the courage and calm down the nervousness to even get on that field and play. And even then I almost chickened out. But I soon was able to lose myself in the playing. It unfortunately had to end and I had to deal with the social anxieties once more when we returned to the house. But at least after the game, it wasn't as bad.

I'm grateful I had my favorite sport to help me to whatever degree in pulling me out of my social misery.

Strength in Numbers

Day 106

Aside from the fact that I'm even more exhausted, the day has gone well so far. And my morning had one thing that made me happy. As it was in Utah when I would return to school or work after a Church event, today I was able to come to work and talk about last night's amazingness--with someone who knew. In fact, that someone was there. I've missed being able to talk like that at my "every day non-Church related stuff" as I used to do. Don't get me wrong. I talk about it with others. But those not of my faith don't fully understand. Those who were not present cannot share their opinions, feelings, and thoughts on the matter.

So I was grateful to have a friend and fellow Relief Society sister to talk to at work about how wonderful last night was.

A Dream (or Two) Come True

Day 105

Today, all joys and gratitudes were trumped by one thing:

The fireside with Sister Beck.

A Bit More

Day 104

I've been worn out and tired, and still fighting the cold or allergy thing. Mornings I wake up and want to run, but worry what running breathing in more pollen could do. A very slow mile walk at lunch about did me in! And my exhaustion has kept me from getting around to things I ought to get around to.

So, I find a little pat for my back when this evening, I did 20 minutes of strength training and then scrubbed the shower.

I'm grateful that the Lord helps me find a little more strength when I feel there is none left.

Love Your Work

Day 103

On this National Library Workers' Day, I would like to say that I am grateful for my job. Not just having a job. But my job. In the profession that is second choice of my heart. I can't have my first choice, though I do live for it. And while I live for it, I enjoy loving my second choice.

I love being a librarian!

Free to Live

Day 102

I watched a new film version of "The Diary of Anne Frank" this morning. It aired last night on Masterpiece Theater, in conjunction with Holocaust Remembrance Day. This film version focused a little more on parts of Anne's diary that the other versions I've seen have not. Not much, anyhow. Overall, I thought it well done. And not until the end did I realize how it was affecting me and that I was crying. The story of Anne Frank, those in the annexe, and many others who were in hiding during WWII always gets me to thinking about my life. The freedoms I have. Especially the ones to practice my religion, to hold the opinions and views that I have, and to live the standards and values that I believe in.

And to come and go as I please. Compared to some who hid, this annexe group had great luxuries in their hiding place. But to be forced to be cooped up. To not have the chance to walk outside and feel every part of one of my favorite Primary songs "My Heavenly Father Loves Me."

I am grateful to be fully and freely a part of His creations.

Sorry, but I'm grateful AGAIN today

I just had Christmas

3.5 months

or

5 days

late...

...depends on how you want to look at it.

Thank you D. & J.!

This was the best one, yet!!

While cereal is definitely a joy, I think the gratitude for the two of you totally outweighs that! I love you both!

"I Have a Family..."

Day 101

I finally was able to get back to my back-and-forth work between Ancestry.com and new Family Search. I don't want to just do work for anyone that needs it done. I want to be sure I have as much information that we can find for the people. And in searching the records available on Ancestry, as well as what other trees others have created, it starts to boggle the mind. There are so many names and dates. Duplicates everywhere. Clashing information abounds. Forgotten marriages, incorrect death dates. It is a mystery and a half! It's a good thing I love to do research, love to organize, and love to solve confusion. But wow--what an exercise for the brain!

Family History--isn't it about...time? And love? And diligence? And courage? And determination? And rewards beyond what you can comprehend?

May I Serve Thee

Day 100

My 100th day! It is amazing! Telling you about my joys and gratitudes on a daily basis has truly made a difference in my life. It has helped me keep the peace and happiness the Lord helped me to find last December. In fact, I just had a very, very hard week in all respects. And yet, it was a week that I felt completely on top of no matter how much was thrown at me. I didn't feel that I was suffocating, or that I wouldn't see the sun again. I saw the sun the entire time. I had no trouble breathing. All was well as I dealt with each day and made it through.

The Lord is blessing me so much. I see it every day in the small ways. But He sends the big things, too. For example, 3 weeks ago we learned that Sister Julie Beck herself--our General Relief Society president whom I have loved and looked up to for at least 7 years now--is coming to speak to my stake. Well, we've made it a tri-Stake event, yet my stake is hosting it. It will be in my stake building (quite close to where I work, and is my "home ward" building). And 2 weeks ago, the women of our stake choir were asked to sing a special musical number for it.

Now, I love to sing. Anyone who knows me knows that is an inseparable part of me. I share my feelings much more easily through song--including my love for my Savior and for my Heavenly Father, and my testimony of the Gospel. So when I get to sing for various church functions, I am humbled, honored, and grateful. Singing for church leaders? I'm even more so. I have had opportunities to sing in General Conference. It meant so much to me to be there and be part of that. I was able to sing in a choir when Sheri Dew came to speak to my BYU RS stake--and I still remember the song, and her hugging me afterwards when I got to meet her. (Sister Dew is right up there with Sister Beck, for me.) Last year I was able to not only sing in the choir for Stake Conference where Elder Richard G. Scott was our presiding authority, but also play the piano for the YSA fireside he requested to hold.

Singing for Sister Beck for next week's fireside? It couldn't get much better, could it? I was wrong. The Lord had another blessing in store for me. Due to the difficult week I've had and to fighting either a cold or the extreme pollen season we've been having, I had to postpone my temple trip and family visit. I did not want to risk falling asleep at the wheel (which was quite likely in my condition), and I needed lots of rest. Staying home meant I was able to attend our final choir practice for the fireside. I'd already had to miss one of the 3 practices for work. But luckily it was a song I was asked to sing in a trio last year for a missionary "farewell." It is a song that has come very close to my heart and I love it dearly. The more I sing it, the more its message takes hold of me and reminds me of who I am, and why I live (or try to live) as I live. And at practice today, our director asked me to sing the first verse as a solo.

Goodness--I'm crying just at the thought of it. I get to sing my testimony to this woman I love and admire so much. I--myself alone--get to share these words with everyone there, including Sister Beck and most especially to my Heavenly Father and my Savior:

Lord, take these hands

Let me use these Hands

To serve Thee willingly.

Lord, take these ears

Let me hear Thy words

And humbly follow Thee.

I love the music. I love the message and its power. I love the pleading and the promise. I love the song.

May I Serve Thee- Tammy Simister Robinson from Meg Mitchell on Vimeo.

I will never be able to describe how much music means to me, nor how much being able to use that gift to bear my witness and testimony as well as praise my Father and Savior is a life-changing experience every time.

But I can simply say I am grateful for each opportunity He blesses me with and hope I am truly worthy of them.

I always do make it

Day 99

I hope that it is not a cold I am coming down with and I'm glad I have various means of preventative measures. Let's pray they work.

I'm happy I could eat comfort food for dinner, considering the iffy meals I had in the day.

I am very much looking forward to enjoying watching a movie for which I read the book over a year ago and have just now gotten a hold of the film version.

I'm glad that I can end this day early with lots of needed sleep.

Mostly, I made it through the week. Can I cry now?

I'm grateful for the gift of endurance...and small rewards along the way.

"Whose Woods These Are"

Day 98

After a real winter of real snow, and then lots of rain, mud, muck, and wind in the melt-off change to spring, I finally was able to venture over to "my woods" during my walk at lunch. It was beautiful. So, so beautiful. Considering the week I've had, it was perfect and just what I needed. Our Creator created a most beautiful world.

So grateful that there is a spot of that beautiful world nearby for me to enjoy.

Finding Smiles

Day 97

I haven't had this hard of a day in a long while.

But I had a wonderful scripture study--one of my favorite passages of scripture: Alma 7: 11-13.

And I went for a walk in sunny, beautiful 95 degree weather!!

And I had chocolate cake for breakfast...and dinner.

And I get to sleep with the windows open.

And I unexpectedly organized the entire nightmare of a mess of arts and crafts supplies in our department.

And I listened to my favorite song by my favorite secular music group.

And I have a cute little turtle sitting next to me who makes me smile.

And I finished a really fun book.

And...well...

I simply found things to make my day feel worthwhile and that helped me in turn find a smile.

"Then Move My Feet"

Day 96

I woke. Fairly early considering many factors. I got in my scripture reading, and it was still earlier than I've been waking up. I'd been seeing the looks-like-it's-been-raining-and-might-rain-more weather outside in my lovely view from my window, and it was begging me. I just had to. No matter that I could still barely keep my eyes open. No matter that I'd left my iPod headphones at work and two days previously broke my very favorite and much better for my hearing headphones so I couldn't listen to music. No matter that I would have to squeeze it into the hour before I had to leave for work. No matter anything. I followed the promptings of my heart and the Spirit.

I went running on an early Spring morning.

It was glorious. Well, the running part wasn't. No matter how often I run, 90% of the time my body reacts like it's the first time I've ever done such a thing and why am I torturing it this way!? But the feeling of being able to run. The feeling of the wind rush past. The sound of the steady rhythm of my feet. My lungs' ability to take in a bit more air when I'm done. My entire body thinking "I am awesome" when I finish. All of that? Yeah, that is glorious.

Add to that the sights and sounds of a spring morning. I was almost breathless (though thankfully I wasn't or the running would have been even harder!). It was so wonderful, I told myself I need to do it more often. Especially as the chances to run in a safe neighborhood will not be for much longer, so I must take advantage.

I love the blessing of running for me. The Lord definitely knew what He was doing when He added that to my life.

P.S. Happy 180th Birthday to the LDS Church, and Happy 2010th Birthday to our Savior--the true Christmas Day.

"Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me"

Day 95

I love long conversations with my Heavenly Father. I love the time we spend together. I love the understanding I know is on His side. I love that He is truly listening. I love that I know He loves me more than I deserve. I love that I feel that love every day. I love that I can cry and know I am spiritually "encircled in the arms of His love." I love that I can laugh through my tears because He helps me see more clearly, or at least to see the brighter, funnier side. I love that He is always there. I love that He is always blessing me. I love...Him.

I love that I am a beloved Daughter of Heavenly Father.

Day 94

(actually written the next day)

Another very late night. While I certainly don't want to make this a habit, it was nice to talk to my friend face-to-face and not through emails or phone calls. It feels there is just never enough time in the days, weeks, or months to spend time with those I care about the most.

I regret the lack of time, but I am very grateful for what I get.

We Meet Again

Day 93

I had to work today. There was no way out of it. Not since a Cross Country meet in '97 have I missed a Saturday's sessions of General Conference. And by golly, I wasn't going to this time. I mean, I knew I could watch later, but there is something about hearing it live. Being there right as it is being spoken. Maybe it's knowing that only a few decades ago, even that wasn't possible. At least, not so easily as it is now. Or maybe it's just that I'm a "Molly Mormon" and anxious to hear what there is to be said. So be it. I am. And proud of it.

I planned on watching the first hour of the first session on my lunch break. Everything wanted to work against me. The other person who was to help me cover the children's room called out. The weather was breath-takingly amazing. Video (requiring flash) does not play on our computers unless it is downloaded, and we aren't allowed to download it otherwise. Firefox often has it downloaded, but my computer won't recognize Firefox. I finally was able to go to ksl radio station and listen that way.

Except for the 1/2 hour bus ride up to the Conference center when we of the BYU audition choirs were singing in the afternoon Saturday session, I have never just listened to Conference. It was rather interesting not to see the faces of the choir singing, or the expressions of these leaders who are so dear to me. Eyes are the windows to the soul and the testimonies of the speakers and singers comes to me as much with what I see in their eyes as what I hear from their mouths.

I worried I wouldn't be able to focus. Not so. I was focused, and gaining wonderful insights from the Spirit. Yes. I felt the Spirit in that most unfamiliar of settings for Conference. And felt in some ways I was getting even more out than I have before. Plus, I knew that anything I might miss I could watch again and would be able to read about in my Ensign.

What I hadn't expected and am so grateful to a loving, mindful Heavenly Father was having such a slow day and just me in the room that I was able to listen to all of the first session and 3/4 of the second. Indeed, when I returned for the evening, instead of 3 hours of sessions to catch up on, I only had the 1/2 hour I missed to drive home. And I felt just as filled as any other day of Conference sessions--although a little discombobulated from change of normalcy.

I love Conference. I love that Conference is so readily available in so many medias. I love that I can feel the Spirit no matter my circumstances, so long as my heart and mind are in tune and ready to receive. And I am especially grateful that though I had no way out of "missing" Conference (live) today, the Lord allowed me to not miss much of it (live) at all! He is so wonderful and I don't deserve it. But I thank Him anyway.

This is [My] Life

Day 92

Two things to be grateful for today:

-Excluding my 5 pieces of furniture, I moved ~ half (maybe a squink less) of my stuff today with the help of my future roommate. It felt good to get started on the move, even though there were many moments while carrying boxes that I kept thinking "I hate moving!" Truth there, yes. But it's an inevitability of my life. I wonder if I will ever get to settle somewhere for more than a few years. I'm not counting on it. But I'm grateful that I have the fortitude to continue to get rid of more belongings, have the patience (though it frequently falters) to keep packing up and moving, and be physically able to lift and carry and do other means to execute the moves. But even more, I am grateful for the friend(s) that helps me in moving me. Then I don't feel so quite along in my unsettled life.

-I went on my first date in 3 years. I enjoyed myself, it wasn't awkward, and it was nice to go out with someone besides me and my stuffed turtle.

I love having a life to live, no matter what bad or good comes with it. It is mine. And I love it.

March Showers, Bring April....

Day 91

[from my post on The Thursday Chronicles]

I received flowers today. From a guy.

I don't usually ever receive flowers. From girls or guys. My sister sent some to me on my 14th birthday. As she was on the other side of the country, I thought it was so neat! And there were some carnations around Valentine's Day that came from sweet albeit pitying males from church, and one from a good friend because she knew how much I always wanted to receive flowers. And there were some that came to my apartment. And the corsages that my high school prom and college Homecoming dates gave me.

But it just isn't the same, you know? I mean, this guy actually came right up to me at work and handed me a bouquet of daffodils and mums. So bright, so pretty, so wonderfully fragrant. I haven't had a smile like that since I don't know when. And while it was technically to brighten up the place, they were given to me. Not one of the other librarians. Me.

So I like to look at it as today, o Marvelous Thursday, I received flowers. From a guy.






(Who cares if he is 3? I think that makes it all the better! Or maybe there's just something in the fact that it IS April Fool's Day and I've just had the fact that I am a fool driven in even more because of every male my age who could have and should have given me flowers some time in my life yet didn't.....Oh well.!)

Receiving flowers is one of my greater happinesses. Perhaps because it's rare. Perhaps because if there is real thought and caring behind it, it means even more. And perhaps because I love the world Heavenly Father has created, and I love the reminders of it.