"I want to be the best I can"

Day 294

I cannot be more grateful for anything today than my choice to be baptized. 20 years ago today. It has been an amazing 20 years. One I hope that I've progressed throughout, and learned a great deal, and served much. If I have not done so as much as I would like (which is likely, for I always feel I could do more and be more), then I hope the Lord blesses me with at least another 20 years if not more to prove myself a worthy and worthwhile disciple of Him.

I am so immensely grateful that I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

A Head Full of

Day 293

It takes hours. Literally. And a crick in the neck. And sore arms. And feeling hot and tired. And knowing it's terrible and will require a week or two of treatment.

Which is why I don't do this more than once or twice a year.

But it's such a fun and different change.

And I can't help looking at it over and over.

My hair. Straight.

Don't get me wrong.

I love and embrace my curls far more than most curly haired people do (who, in most cases, don't embrace them).

And I still stare at my curls in disbelief on their lovely days, shocked and amazed and happy that I could ever achieve/have such a beauty. (Thanks to Ouidad for helping me learn to take care of it, and thanks to Heavenly Father for blessing me with such a gift.)

But straight, flat, unfluffy, shiny hair is so different on me (my family would attest to that), that I can't help liking this occasional look.

And not being able to help running my fingers through it constantly!

Once or twice a year is more than enough for me.

Yet it is nice to have the choice and ability for a different look and know (or hope!) that my more favored look is ready and waiting for a simple wash of the hair.

Thanks for Coming

Day 292

In the turmoil of my life, more turmoil has been added. But it is good turmoil. At least, it provides knowledge, opportunity, experience, and lots and lots to think about. It's a little stressful. It's a bit nerve-racking. But there is also a bit of joy and excitement to have this turmoil present for a few days. It's odd, but it's true.

I'm grateful for learning to be grateful for my trials.

(And I'm really grateful for adorable, fun children in storytime.)

Count the Many

Day 291

It is sad to admit, but a truth nonetheless. This morning, for the first time since beginning my "new" and current position, I woke and thought, "I don't really want to go to work."

True, it's attributed to many things.

Having a very difficult evening the night before and crying myself to sleep.

Knowing the many stresses that come with this week (it's Teen Read Week, and we also have our state library's annual conference--not to mention one of my other programs and my regular storytimes).

Feeling the stress building without ability to release, causing worry of an impending nervous breakdown.

Or just having a small, simple dream that doesn't seem possible to have.

I keep thinking over and over what Anne says to Gilbert when he asks "Have you any unfulfilled dreams?" in Anne of the Island.

"Of course. Everybody has. It wouldn't do for us to have all our dreams fulfilled. We would be as good as dead if we had nothing left to dream about."

How much I have known this sentiment! Too much. I agree in many respects, and am grateful for the dreams the Lord has helped to fulfill, the ones He is helping me to prepare to fulfill one day, and the ones that I know just aren't meant for me and which I'll be OK (and maybe better) with not having.

But that doesn't make it any easier as you see those dreams not being fulfilled. Even the simple ones like going to the mountains for an autumn campout and a rejuvenating hike among some of Heavenly Father's wondrous and beautiful creations.

I am in a very hard time for me at this moment of my life.

However, I have found positives. Small pieces of gratitude that are even more worth having right now because I need them so much.

I'm grateful for a horrendously busy day that keeps my mind from sinking into sorrow for myself. I don't need any pity parties, and being busy certainly keeps me from having them...at least, for very long anyhow. (Just being honest. :-) )

I'm grateful for co-workers who sense the stress and emotions, whether or not they know exactly the cause or whatever. They are unquestioningly and unfailingly helpful and supportive.

I'm grateful for being able to just toss my hands up over a copier that insists on being stinky and not simply copying the copy. It's hilarious when I step back and look at it.

I'm grateful for royal blue. I'm told it's my color. I'm told that about a lot of colors. But I have always loved royal blue, and am still disapppointed that BYU changes over from that favorite color of mine, to the one shade of blue that I am not fond of. But royal blue makes me feel just that--royal. Able to do and handle anything. Able to pull through. And add to the royal blue a ribbon that matches perfectly in a hairdo that even as it continues to fall down throughout the day receives compliments from friend. There was even a comparison to my dearly admired Molly! So, yes, I'll be grateful for royal blue.

I'm grateful for a home where I can just unwind and not have to feel smothered, forced to talk about my day if I don't need to, but able to do so without feeling like a 12-year old who does not know how to handle what she is going through.

I'm grateful for having food. It's so nice to be able to eat. To not feel hungry. To have choice and variety, and more complete nutrition.

And no matter how difficult it is right now, I'm still grateful for what I have, what I am experiencing, what I'm learning, and who I am.

I'm grateful for life. My life.

"Great are the Words of Isaiah"

Day 290

For years--since BYU days--I have wanted to study Isaiah better. But it seemed intimidating, of course. And I have always been trying to fit in other scripture and Gospel studies. There's so much! I wasn't sure what time I could devote, or just exactly how I would go about it. I considered putting it on my Whatever Wednesdays, but right now I feel to focus that one on more study of Preach My Gospel and reading recent Conference talks.

My chance has come with the last two weeks (and the next 2 or 3) of studying Isaiah in Sunday School. Granted, the reading assignments don't require us to read every single chapter. I looked at this as one way to get my feet wet. To start out a little and not be overly intimidated. And now I had a wonderful tool to help me out! Thus, I began. Last week's study was enjoyable as I went through chapters 1-6, per lesson reading assignment.

But this week's? I started yesterday, continued for 2 hours this morning, and still only managed to read 4 of the 7 assigned chapters (22, 24-26, 28-30). (I did skim the others to be prepared.) I got so much out of what I studied. It was amazing and fantastic! I was having fun, and feeling the Spirit, and even understanding what was being said and making connections. It was such an incredible experience. I love experiences like these!

And what, you ask, am I doing? I am trying to apply Elder McConkie's Ten Keys to Understanding Isaiah (which my mother taught to me in Seminary and later in Institute, and which I in turn had to teach when I substituted in Sunday School two years ago). I think I have worked on Keys 1-3 since my Seminary days, so I knew a bit of what to expect as I began. And Key #8 was something my father has taught us children many times when we were growing up. I think my days as an English major also helped with that. Last week, I used key #4 (using the Book of Mormon).

Both weeks, especially today, I used Key #5 (use Latter-day revelation). I went to GospelDoctrine.com--introduced to me by my previous Institute teacher. It is one fabulous resource, and just what I needed for this venture into Isaiah. When finances afford, I want to buy the Isaiah student manual and go deeper, because this is awesome! (And I want to be able to apply Key #10.)

I may have only covered 13(ish) chapters of the 66 total, but I think I can begin to truly say--as I've always wanted to--I love Isaiah!

Mmmm-yum yum

Day 289

As I got to have pizza for the second time in 5 days, I looked back over the week. And what a week it has been for food!

Including

-the ever wonderful Papa John's

-a trip to my favorite salad bar

-fried apples, homemade by me

-today's pizza (Sam's Club--not bad)

-gingerbread, homemade by me and eaten with Pumpkin Mousse (oh my)

-this morning's crepes, homemade by me and eaten with homemade apple compote (of sorts)

-my current favorite pasta meal

-red velvet cake at a co-worker's party

-buffalo chicken bites

-especially delicious pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, which I believe are what started it all!

It can seem trivial, but it really isn't. I mean, we kind of need food. And we might as well enjoy it, right? To a good, wholesome extent of course (which my 10 months' loss of 15 pounds and 2 dress and 2 pants sizes can verify that I'm still on the right track).

Some days, even weeks, I just can't help but be grateful for food.

"You are so beautiful to me"

Day 288

Celebrations all around included:

*Dressing up (even put on make-up for work, which rarely happens these days).

*A special grocery trip to enjoy the much craved after salad bar.

*Sitting in the cool, 60ish weather to eat lunch at "my" park.

*Playing on the swings!

*Making gingerbread to go with my first taste of pumpkin mousse. (oh my--you are missing out!)

And all for what?

For my dear little Bob's birthday.

I may be crazy and insane, but if a the cutest-ever tiny stuffed sea turtle can bring my unfailing happiness and moments of sweet joy, then I will take it all!