Hold to the Truth

Day 254

I won't hide it. The last 24 hours have been extremely hard. OK. The last weeks were hard. All right, the last months. What they hey, let's throw in the whole season.

Summer has been hard.

But today was different. Today was so hard that even one of the most beautiful days I have ever seen and could have possibly experienced was very much lost on me. My body was telling me it was an indescribable day, not meant to be lost or forgotten or wasted. It wanted to thrill to the gloriousness. But my mind was unable to comply. I sat out in the beautiful day for at least 5 minutes, willing myself to soak in every beauty that there could be. But the emotional fog I was in only had me ready to add more tears to those I had been for many hours. And I believe the Lord understood that I acknowledged the indescribable beauty, but that what I needed was to return home and in my mind at least remember that it was a beautiful day. A touching tribute to 9/11, even if I was not able to feel every one of the joys that it offered.

Today had me realizing something that has probably been occurring over the summer, but truly reared its head in the last week. It feels as if the adversary has picked one single target. Me. And he's been hitting a bull's-eye every time. Not winning, mind you. But certainly striking hits, right to my very center and core. Using his wheedling yet smooth voice to turn me from all that is joyous, good, true, and right in life.

It really does begin with thoughts. And what we do with those thoughts is vital. Last Sunday, it was the voice niggling at me saying, "You're tired. You haven't felt well. You need rejuvenation. You don't get that at the Singles branch. They don't like you there. They don't understand you there. Your roommate isn't here to make you feel guilty that you didn't go. Besides, you can just go to the family ward. You're still going to church. And they love you at the family ward. And you love it there. And maybe that's what all this conflict needs in resolving is for you to ask to go to the family ward. Everyone would understand. Others have suggested that to you. You'd be so much happier."

However. That voice didn't come out with a "you." It came out with an "I." Such a trick of the adversary--making me think those were my thoughts. They would have become mine if I had listened and entertained them. Gratefully, the Spirit kicked in and gently whispered, "You know where you should be." And in that case, it was a "you." And I turned back and said, "You're right. I know where I should be." I squashed the thoughts and went about preparing for my Sabbath. At the Singles branch. It still wasn't the easiest thing for me to be there, but I was where I was supposed to be. And that was confirmed to me through the Spirit during the Branch President's testimony. It pierced my heart to know that such thoughts were ever in my mind. I don't have thoughts like that. But those were there, and had seemed so natural until the Spirit stepped in. Truth casting out lies and darkness. My part was to reach out and hold fast to that truth. That one time, I did.

As I looked over the week, I could see how much the adversary had been doing this same tactic all week. Trying to make me think that certain thoughts were my own. That certain things were true, and they were not. He attacked in every area who could think of. Again, gratefully the Spirit helped to prevail. In most cases. In one area that the adversary knew I am particularly vulnerable right now, he did enough damage to produce the aforementioned emotional fog. I listened ad believed, while at the same time confused because the Spirit kept feeding me truth waiting for me to reach back and take it. Grasping, slipping, reaching, wondering and more--it was not as easy this time. Someone else was involved, which brought in "I'm the victim" status and made it harder for me to push out the adversary's lies and take in the Spirit's truth.

All of this was leading into one course the adversary was trying to achieve: to keep me from the temple. Oh, the falsehoods he put in. The thoughts that had logic and pieces of truth behind them, yes. But not the entire truth, and what was most correct and right. In an emotional delirium and confusion, I followed a prompting that to anyone else would have seemed bizarre and reckless. I left for the temple in the middle of the night. Because I knew if I waited until morning, I would have listened to all of the "Don't go" reasons and not gone. Still, the adversary took this decision and kept putting in thoughts that did not belong. But having taken the action encouraged by the Spirit, I was more able to push out those thoughts, while dealing with the repercussions of the other matter--the emotional fog.

The fog remained until I returned home. It stayed as I drove. It stayed as I slept. It stayed as I did temple ordinances for my own family members, a joy I was not able to fully embrace because of the fog. It stayed and took away enjoying the beautiful day. It stayed. And what was important for me to realize was that the fog was not staying there because the adversary was putting it there. It came about because I had listened to the tiniest of thoughts. And because I listened, I was now spending a lengthy time trying to figure out truth that would not have been needed if I had held to the truth that the Spirit had been holding out to me the whole time.

In the end, the fog was beneficial as I succeeded in finding the correct truths, and then acting upon them to push out the falsehoods. I can look at it now and see many lessons I've received from this. Very hard lessons. Very painful. But ones I hope to now use to recognize and ward off the fiery darts the adversary is aiming at me.

There are so many things from this ordeal that I have to be grateful for.

-The safety which came from the Lord

-The blessing to hear and heed the promptings of the Spirit

-The forgiveness and understanding of a friend

-The knock-out punch in the adversary's face when I reached the temple, and did the work that needed to be done

-The Lord's enlightening my mind and understanding