Saturday, December 20, 2008
Hope You Know...
[from today's entry of my personal online journal]:
Okay, today was very, very hard. First there was a very emotionally exhausting conversation in the early afternoon. It left me pensive and somber. Then I spent more than half of the day packing. I teared up a couple of times. And I only completely broke down once. It was a good, cleansing cry.
All from putting many things in the pile for Goodwill, and throwing away almost as much. It feels good to be getting rid of what all really is just stuff. But it's hard. It is so hard. I couldn't believe I could be so attached to such material things. So many memories I've been re-living. So many dreams and hopes from the past as well as the present all around me.
As I looked at before re-packing the Superman quilt I've been making for my baby sons, I was reminded yet again of things unachieved and paths never followed. And the thought came to me with all I've been doing the last few days and weeks, that I really am throwing dreams away. That's when I broke down. The life I had envisioned for myself ever since I was very young just isn't to be. Not now. It hasn't been for years. I've known that my life has been taking all new directions for a long while. But I have held on to so much that was intended for, or let me fantasize about, or even just symbolized that dream life. It's saddening. And it really hurts. But this is good. I can't hold on to the past like this. How am I to progress in my future otherwise?
It is all for my greater good, for I am giving away all to know the Savior and our Father (Alma 22:18). I feel that I have too many distractions about me. And I want them gone. I want to show them how much I truly want to come unto Christ. To be more Christlike. And I personally don't feel that I can with things that not only keep me focusing on a life that God did not intend for me at this time, but that also temporally and spiritually distract me from doing my all to know them.
So, really, this is all just a very strong lesson that
No Pain, No Gain.
or in the Savior's words:
"know thou, my [daughter], that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he? Therefore, hold on thy way...fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever." -Doc&Cov 122:7-9
And even if I already have this on the blog, I'm adding it again here--because I need it.