Dearest Children

Day 31

I could have have chosen today's gratitude as having a paid day of not having to work but instead being fed lunch and going to so fun mini-classes about various things (like digital scrapbooking!).

And I am grateful for that.

I could have chosen today's gratitude as discovering a shared love of Period Dramas and enjoying the squeals and oh mys over certain aspects of them.

And I am grateful for that.

But I have to choose for today's gratitude the receipt of a most happy "letter." My 3 favorite storytime attenders. Adorable sisters who made the storytime for me when they would show up. Each one either wrote me a letter or drew pictures and dictated what they mean. And the wonderful mother included a couple of pictures of them. It was so wonderful receiving that and it still makes me happy when I see them on the refrigerator. I am not blessed with marriage and children, yet. Some day, I do hope. But for now, I find my joy in children from my nieces and nephews, and from the wonderful children I get to work with at my job. It was one of the hardest things for me to leave at the last job. So it means a lot to have a sweet little girl write to me and tell me I was her favorite librarian, and have a mother thank me for how I have helped her children.

The greatest thanks is that the Lord knew how much I wanted to work with children, and that "in due time" He granted such a great blessing for me.

Work

Day 30

It was 5th Sunday, so Priesthood and Relief Society meetings were combined. We had a guest speaker, who spoke about employment and job interviews and such. I liked his point that we are a people who have temporal things to take care of, and yet the temporal is important because it still affects our spiritual lives. I agree. But I couldn't help thinking that this topic was something I knew. I mean, I've had a lot of interviews in the last 10 years. And most of them were behavioral interviews, which this brother was not talking about. I knew it was a great topic for many of the brothers and sisters present. Just not quite applicable to me, especially considering I was barely hired for a new job. Yet I was reminded over and over of an immense gratitude which I can only attribute to the Lord:

How grateful I am that I am not only employed, but have been employed for many years and in the field that I desired.

Through the Mist

Day 29

Going to the Draper temple this morning ended up being a very symbolic journey. It was so foggy. I've always known most temples to be placed in prominent places, and from pictures I was sure that the Draper temple was in just such a place. But I could not see it. In all of my wending my way, I could not see it. Indeed, I never saw the temple until I pulled into the parking lot. 


Thoughts came to me about this, but I decided to think on them later. On my way home, those thoughts came even stronger. Some of the fog had lifted, so I was able to see a little better as I drove along. I laughed at this one circle I had driven on my way there. All I saw was the road. But now I could see that the temple was just above the circle--stark, prominent, and very visible. 


I thought how at times in our lives we are immersed in darkness of trials or sin, moving ahead and trying to find light and truth. So often it is right there to be seen, and yet we either do not see it because we won't, we can't, or we don't know where or how to look. 

But with faith in the Lord's word and work (or road signs and Church given driving directions), we can reach the righteous destination and emerge from the fog in our lives.

Society

Day 28

I am slowly getting to know people in the ward. It's huge ward. I've been in large Singles wards before. At BYU. But it was different there. For my ward boundaries consisted of an apartment complex and a few houses. My Church friends were also all the people outside of work whom I would hang out with. Or go to school with. Or live with. Or, well, much more. The boundary in this ward is comparatively much larger. And I'm so much busier now than I was in those wards. So it is much harder for me to get to know everyone and quickly. I'm also still calling-less, and have no responsibilities which by nature would help me get to know more people.

Still, I am trying to go to many social functions. A huge thing for me, considering my qualms and such. Tonight's huge Mingles activity made me feel better as I not only met more people, but realized there are at least 10 people I know and who know me. People who pat me on the shoulder as they walk past, or ask about my week and particulars about my job, or worry over how tired I look and completely understand when the hour is past my bedtime. I don't feel that I'm being judged or made fun of for who I am and how I live. I am around a lot more understanding, and general good will than I've been in a while. Not that some of that wasn't there in the last few years, it's just here in abundance.

It may be slow going getting into this ward, but it is going--and I am grateful my Savior is giving me courage and patience in this endeavor.

Be Ye Therefore Perfect

Day 27

In Institute this evening, we talked more of something mentioned briefly last week. It's something that means a lot to me right now, as in the last two(+) years I was recovering from doing just such a thing to myself.

Perfection.

We're supposed to strive for it. Try to be so.

But even with all our efforts, we will never reach perfection in this life. It is absolutely impossible. It's one of the reasons for the Savior's Atonement. We try, do, and live as best as we can to reach up in being obedient in keeping the commandments, and then the Savior reaches down to grasp our hand. That grasp connects us not only to perfection, but is our way to the rest of our perfection as He will pull us the rest of the way. Our journey to perfection is impossible on our own. Every one needs the Atonement for so many reasons, perfection being one of them.

And yet, as my teacher mentioned, "too many of us get caught up on this idea of perfection." We beat ourselves for not being perfect, or as perfect as we perceive others to be, or for not progressing fast enough or well enough in our strive for perfection. And this, of course, is ridiculous for us since we will never be perfect in this life! Even the Savior in this life did not refer to himself as perfect. Matthew 5:48, when the Savior was living a mortal life, records the Savior saying, "Ye are commanded to be perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." Yet after He was resurrected and visiting the ancient Americas, 3 Nephi 12:48 records His teaching now to be, "Therefore I would that ye should be perfect even as I or your Father who is in heaven is perfect." Not until after the Atonement and His resurrection would the Savior--He who lived a perfect life--refer to Himself as perfect. So, if the Savior didn't refer to Himself as so in this life, why are we beating up ourselves for something that is impossible?

Of course, it's not that we should just give up. We still need to keep pressing forward and living righteously. We just need to stop comparing ourselves to others. Or setting ridiculous expectations of ourselves. I was very guilty of both, and they are still things I struggle with. But in October 2008, when I was told to read chapter 6 in Preach My Gospel concerning attributes of Christ, I plummeted into deep darkness as I reviled myself for being so unlike Christ, and so not like other people who were so much better than me. For not being where I thought I should or could have been.

I was so caught up in how awful I was, it was difficult for me to do what I should have done: accept the weaknesses and then press forward trying to make them strengths. No. Instead, I listened to the adversary and kept berating myself for what a terrible person I was. Now I can look back and see how wrong I was to act and react like that. And it seems so easy to say "Don't do that. Just realize what is wrong and work harder to get better." But trust me. Having been there and deep in that, I know how easy it didn't feel then.

But I have a wonderful Savior, and His wonderful disciples, all of whom helped me slowly get out of what I had put myself into. It took a lot of conscious work and effort. And I still had my regressive moments. But for the second time in my life, I truly gained an appreciation, understanding, and actualization of the power of the Atonement as I began to allow the Savior to use it to bring me back up.

Hearing my teacher talk about perfection, I was able to testify in my heart to myself. Yes. I cannot be perfect in this life. And I need to stop being an idiot by beating myself up over it. (Which, right now, I'm not, but I need to be wary because it is so easy for me to do.) I just need to do as Elder Christofferson counseled at the recent CES fireside: live one day at a time.

If I live every day to the best of my ability, then I am moving toward perfection the way I am intended to. If I make a mistake, which I am bound and guaranteed to do, then I pick myself up again, repent, and keep moving toward my Father and my Savior. Don't get caught up over the mistakes, the weaknesses, or the lacking. Just keep doing what I know is right. And once in a while, if I happen to glance back, I will see that I really am progressing, and know that the Lord is happy with what I'm doing. (And if I bring along some people with me, so much the better!)

It was wonderful to hear this in class, and make my personal connections about it, and I'm grateful for all the Lord has helped me through and to for me to be at this point at this time.

I Know that I am Nothing

Day 26

I've received compliments at work before. And for my work and service to the patrons. It is a wonderful feeling. The information desk I work at is at least (at least) 3 times busier. Thus, the compliments come a bit more. I know the work I do is not all of my own skills or talents. I know the Lord is behind it all. He is behind the ease I find to smile again. He is behind the ability I have to figure out what I'm doing. And He is the reason why I love to help others and see their happiness and hear their gratitude.

More and more I understand what Elder Scott said in our Stake Conference 2 years ago when someone thanks him for what he has said (or done, in my case) and how as he says "Thank you," his thank you is also directed to the Source that it truly belongs to.

Confidence in Me

Day 25

My first teen program is underway. Everything approved and prepared. Just a matter of waiting until next week. But it is exciting.

And I feel just a little less inadequate as the Lord gives me a bit more confidence in the ability He has given me.