The Irony

This devotional was given only two days before the world changed. My world changed. And yet the Lord's prophet of all the world believed this of me, and the rest of my generation. How could I not press on? "Courage...and on, on to victory!"

"The world is full of naysayers who think that people your age have lost their way. I disagree. Let me say that I am very proud of you. I think you are the finest generation this Church has ever produced. Because of you, I have no fear concerning the future. You are ambitious. You are trustworthy. You are loyal to the Church and its principles. You have great confidence in one another. You work together with love and appreciation and respect one for another. You are faithful, and you are true."

Gordon B. Hinckley, "Be Not Afraid, Only Believe," CES Fireside for Young Adults, Sept. 9, 2001

Pressing Forward...in ALL things

[from my online journal, today's entry]

Something funny came to mind to me this morning. Well, funny to my odd mind, any how. It is related to last night's entry, and came about because of something in a conversation I was having last night. So, I've had a thing for carrots since I was, oh, 15 or so. Not necessarily the food itself, although I had no problem eating them. They were good. They were healthy. They were food.

No, my thing came from reading a chapter in an EFY book or some other LDS Youth self-help/inspirational book. I had lots of those on hand and I devoured them from the ages of 14 through 18. (Still some on my parents' bookshelves that I didn't get, too.) My memory has the story as being directed to young women. It was an encouragement analogy for those of us girls who do everything we can to live right and be happy and come across as attractive to others. In other words, who see the guys always going for "the other girls" and never even noticing that we're standing there.

Now, I'm not playing woe-is-me here. This was my life as a teenager--excluding those annoying/creepy boys who follow you around all the time like a puppy because you were nice and said "Hello!" to them. One time I was talking to my friend Bethany at a dance when a slow song came up. Guys were always "after" her. This time, two guys came literally running up to her to ask her to dance. She had to choose. So she chose and went on to the dance floor. Now, I had thought that common courtesy at least would have the other young man ask the other young woman who is also standing there. Nope. He walked away without even looking at me. A young man in my ward whom I'd had a quiet crush on for over 2 years squashed that crush when, at the end of my very first dance, joined his slow dance partner in pointing at me to laugh because I was not asked to dance all night. My first date was "A Pity Date" to Prom (which I had no real desire to attend) because the Bishop and YW Pres.'s son knew no one would ask me.

It can be depressing. And at times, it really was. It felt even worse at BYU. Both times. But I had the analogy to hold on to. The person (perhaps Wilcox?) said that we girls were carrots. But the boys were in the market for lettuce. It didn't matter that we were a more appetizing color, that we held more value, or anything. They wanted lettuce. But some day, a young man (or men, I suppose) would be in the market for a carrot. And it didn't matter how good the lettuce looked--even if it had just been sprayed with the little mist. He wanted a carrot, and there you would be. I loved the analogy. Beyond belief. I still do. I always think "Be a carrot."

A year later, there was a Standards Activity for the Stake Young Women. I remember the YW President talking about modesty. She was using an analogy that involved, hah!, carrots...of all things. It was something like a carrot holds all of its goodness inside, and does not need to flaunt itself to have others notice is and want it. Not like the rich, gooey ice cream sundaes that walked around and said, "Look how yummy and wonderful I am--but you can't have me!" Another reason to be a carrot. Modest in dress, modest in personality. And the worthwhile and worthy young man eventually would ignore the ice cream sundaes and see the carrot for its value and worth.

Well, a few years later in Book of Mormon class at BYU, I was able to see another good thing about being a carrot. He quoted Alma 62:41 with "many had become hardened...and many were softened because of their afflictions, insomuch that they did humble themselves before God, even in the depth of humility." He then said, "Eggs get hard in boiling water, but carrots get soft. Be a carrot." Perfect. Absolutely perfect. I loved it, and was even more proud that I had a thing for carrots.

But I've had thoughts in the last year or so. Some a bit facetious, but with still a serious under-current. Last year I got food poisoning in the summer, right when I was trying to finish final projects for the term. And from what? Carrots. Yeah. I know. I had never really thought before of carrots going bad. Probably because I'd always seen them eaten before that point. And carrots can last a long time. But now I knew that they could go bad.

And, you know, I've been watching the lettuce get taken time after time. I don't want to be lettuce. I don't want to change who I am just so I'm like all the others. I want someone who wants a carrot. But this carrot is tired of waiting. And if real carrots can spoil and not be good for others, then, well.... I know. I'm silly. But I'm just being honest. Doubt enters my head more and easily than it ever did in my teenage years. I wonder if any young men out there really do like carrots. At least, this carrot.

But then I just need to push that aside. So many inspirational things from the scriptures and Church leaders to help me keep pressing forward, though hard as it may be. One of them being a scripture that I recently came to love and which Elder Holland also quoted on Sunday.

"Therefore, dearly beloved [carrot sisters], let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."

-Doctrine and Covenants 123: 17

A Great Way to Look at It

"Luke chapter 17 records the experience of the Savior when He healed 10 lepers. As you recall, only one of the cleansed lepers returned to express his appreciation. Isn't it interesting that the Lord did not say, 'Your gratitude has made you whole'? Instead, He said, 'Thy faith hath made thee whole' (Luke 17:19).

"The leper's expression of gratitude was recognized by the Savior as an expression of his faith. As we pray and express gratitude to a loving but unseen Heavenly Father, we are also expressing our faith in Him. Gratitude is our sweet acknowledgment of the Lord's hand in our lives; it is an expression of our faith."

Bonnie D. Parkin, "Gratitude: A Path to Happiness," Ensign, May 2007, 35

Prayers

Right now in my life I am going through some trials. Not a lot. Just some. And I think one reason is to help me to improve my prayers and make them more meaningful. Prayer is such a vast topic, for it is one of the parts to communicating with our Father in Heaven. When there is a need, or we have a desire, or we want to express gratitude, or we want to help others, or...so much more. When we need answers. When we need comfort. When we just need guidance. When we need inspiration. It is a powerful part of our lives and we do not get far (if any distance) without it.

So much is going on with me working through what I am now, and I feel daily growth from it. It is amazing. Today I was thinking about another time in my life when prayer played such a vital role in the direction of my life. I thought I would share just a little of that. It was during the 7-8 months that I often refer to as "My Mission Decision." I was ending my spring term at BYU. I had just the summer term and fall semester left before graduating. At the beginning of the fall semester, I was to turn 21--the age when sisters are now allowed to serve missions. Mission papers can go in 3 months before the birthday, and that is when My Mission Decision began.

It was an on-going part of my life during those months and is still a question I periodically pray over. But there were 3 very significant times when I broached the question to Heavenly Father and to which I received 3 answers. All 3 answers were the same: I was not to serve a mission. Growing up in a very mission-minded home and having planned all my life to serve one, this was and still is a very painful answer. But I have come to learn, see, and know various reasons as to why it is not a blessing in my life at this time. Another thing I learned was that though the 3 answers were the same, they came about for different reasons.

The first time was that it was a matter of what I wanted. In all honesty, I did not want to serve. By which, I mean, that I had for years hoped to finish school before serving a mission--knowing that I would turn 21 close to my graduation. I was plowing through the then-hated schooling and felt that if I took a break, I would not have the heart, desire, or will to go back. Some asked "What is one semester?" But I knew me. And Heavenly Father knew me better. And He let my first decision be all mine. That was also a time in life when I felt "a stupor of thought" most prevalently. I wrestled with decisions for 2 weeks, and was never at peace. When I finally shamefully admitted (I was, after all, from the mission-minded family) that at that time I did not want to serve, I felt instant peace. Just like the kind we read about in Church History and the scriptures. It was amazing. And something I had to hold close to as many people doubted and questioned and accused me for my decision. I felt very alone at this time, and had to trust in my relationship with my Heavenly Father and in the personal revelation He had given me. Especially when my own parents seemed "against" me.

The second time came again right after I graduated. Christmas break at home. I had just completed one of the most trying periods of my life--in all respects. The one thing (for once!) that had not affected me that semester was my (non-)dating life. But classes, church calling, roommates...there is a reason I suddenly came down with a severe case of the flu, and caught a cold a few days later before fully recovering. That cold lasted for over a month. I was a miserable wretch. That mission decision was almost a "forced" one, as again it was people in my life pressuring me to do something, especially as I was now "done with school." That had been the initial obstacle I had presented for the last 5 months, since no one would just trust me and my answer from Heavenly Father.

The answer this time came so quickly--an immediate no. As I headed back to Utah for 5 more weeks before fully moving home, I knew it was because Heavenly Father didn't want me on a mission. What kind of a servant would I be when I was so down-trodden and beaten by everything? I was in a huge hole. I had work ahead of me to get out. I would have been useless to Heavenly Father if I had left at that time. Such a revelation hurt and made me work even harder at getting out of where I had gotten, and ensuring ever since that I do what I can to never fall into such a pit again. I've stumbled since, and encountered intense darkness, too. But nothing quite like that time. I believe that ever since I struggled out of that hole, that there has been nothing wrong with me personally to prevent me from serving Heavenly Father to my fullest and ablest self, and be as profitable as He would help me be.

So, what happened the third time? This was probably the one that hurt the most and was many, many months before I had a reason. I was very willing and very ready to serve. I was even filling out the papers. And because of the previous months during this time of life, I knew more than anything else that I was receiving a no answer. It made no sense to me. And this one was even harder to hold on to as the accusations and doubtings were more acute. It was another 8 months before certain events occurred in my life and I knew that my answer had been no this time because Heavenly Father had something else in mind for me.

We don't always learn the reasons for why we receive answers. I am grateful that I was blessed to learn them. They still sustain me when I receive the judgmental looks and remarks about not having served, yet. Now as I go through trying to make important, life-changing decisions again, it is helping me to remember that at that time in my life, the answers were made based on:

1.) What I wanted
2.) What Heavenly Father wanted/needed
3.) What Heavenly Father had in mind for me

Getting through hard times

[from my online journal, today's entry]:

...toughing it out. But I'm making it. The next few weeks are going to be rough, but it is a trial of my faith and I must work through it. I received a much-needed and much-appreciated blessing from the Branch President. How I miss my father and brothers at times like these. But I'm grateful for worthy Priesthood holders and I believe in that power from God. 

And Elder Holland's CES fireside was incredibly excellent and, as always, just what I needed to hear right now. I recommend it to all. When the archives are available, I'll add a link to it. A must-hear for everyone. I barely took any notes (I know--rare!) because I was so engrossed by the Spirit and his message. Again, I'm grateful for inspired Church leadership, and the Holy Ghost, and the Gospel, and the Atonement, and well, all of it. Not just grateful for it. But I testify that all of it is real, true, vital to life and exaltation.

When there's love at home

"Young men and women, you can be a great influence for good in your homes as you help to achieve worthy family objectives. I shall never forget the family home evening, years ago, in which the name of each member of our family was placed in a hat. The name you picked from the hat would be your 'secret friend' for the week. You can imagine the love that filled my heart when I came home that Tuesday after work to sweep out the garage, as I had earlier promised, and found it cleanly swept. There was a note attached to the garage door which read, 'Hope you had a good day--your secret friend.' And on Friday night, as I turned down my bed, I uncovered an Almond Joy, my favorite candy bar, wrapped carefully in scotch tape and plain white paper, with a note: 'Dad, I love you a lot! Thanks, your secret friend.' Then to top it off, after returning home from a late meeting Sunday evening, I found the dining room table beautifully set, and written on the napkin by my place were the words 'SUPER DAD' in big bold letters and in parentheses, 'your secret friend.' Hold your family home evenings, for this is where the gospel is taught, a testimony gained, and the family fortified."

W. Douglas Shumway, "Marriage and Family: Our Sacred Responsibility," Ensign, May 2004, 96

A Joyful Religion

"Enduring to the end is not just a matter of passively tolerating life's difficult circumstances or 'hanging in there.' Ours is an active religion, helping God's children along the strait and narrow path to develop their full potential during this life and return to Him one day. Viewed from this perspective, enduring to the end is exalting and glorious, not grim and gloomy. This is a joyful religion, one of hope, strength, and deliverance. 'Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy' (2 Nephi 2:25).

"Enduring to the end is a process filling every minute of our life, every hour, every day, from sunrise to sunrise. It is accomplished through personal discipline following the commandments of God."

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Have We Not Reason to Rejoice?" Ensign, Nov. 2007, 20