Dearest Children

Day 31

I could have have chosen today's gratitude as having a paid day of not having to work but instead being fed lunch and going to so fun mini-classes about various things (like digital scrapbooking!).

And I am grateful for that.

I could have chosen today's gratitude as discovering a shared love of Period Dramas and enjoying the squeals and oh mys over certain aspects of them.

And I am grateful for that.

But I have to choose for today's gratitude the receipt of a most happy "letter." My 3 favorite storytime attenders. Adorable sisters who made the storytime for me when they would show up. Each one either wrote me a letter or drew pictures and dictated what they mean. And the wonderful mother included a couple of pictures of them. It was so wonderful receiving that and it still makes me happy when I see them on the refrigerator. I am not blessed with marriage and children, yet. Some day, I do hope. But for now, I find my joy in children from my nieces and nephews, and from the wonderful children I get to work with at my job. It was one of the hardest things for me to leave at the last job. So it means a lot to have a sweet little girl write to me and tell me I was her favorite librarian, and have a mother thank me for how I have helped her children.

The greatest thanks is that the Lord knew how much I wanted to work with children, and that "in due time" He granted such a great blessing for me.

Work

Day 30

It was 5th Sunday, so Priesthood and Relief Society meetings were combined. We had a guest speaker, who spoke about employment and job interviews and such. I liked his point that we are a people who have temporal things to take care of, and yet the temporal is important because it still affects our spiritual lives. I agree. But I couldn't help thinking that this topic was something I knew. I mean, I've had a lot of interviews in the last 10 years. And most of them were behavioral interviews, which this brother was not talking about. I knew it was a great topic for many of the brothers and sisters present. Just not quite applicable to me, especially considering I was barely hired for a new job. Yet I was reminded over and over of an immense gratitude which I can only attribute to the Lord:

How grateful I am that I am not only employed, but have been employed for many years and in the field that I desired.

Through the Mist

Day 29

Going to the Draper temple this morning ended up being a very symbolic journey. It was so foggy. I've always known most temples to be placed in prominent places, and from pictures I was sure that the Draper temple was in just such a place. But I could not see it. In all of my wending my way, I could not see it. Indeed, I never saw the temple until I pulled into the parking lot. 


Thoughts came to me about this, but I decided to think on them later. On my way home, those thoughts came even stronger. Some of the fog had lifted, so I was able to see a little better as I drove along. I laughed at this one circle I had driven on my way there. All I saw was the road. But now I could see that the temple was just above the circle--stark, prominent, and very visible. 


I thought how at times in our lives we are immersed in darkness of trials or sin, moving ahead and trying to find light and truth. So often it is right there to be seen, and yet we either do not see it because we won't, we can't, or we don't know where or how to look. 

But with faith in the Lord's word and work (or road signs and Church given driving directions), we can reach the righteous destination and emerge from the fog in our lives.

Society

Day 28

I am slowly getting to know people in the ward. It's huge ward. I've been in large Singles wards before. At BYU. But it was different there. For my ward boundaries consisted of an apartment complex and a few houses. My Church friends were also all the people outside of work whom I would hang out with. Or go to school with. Or live with. Or, well, much more. The boundary in this ward is comparatively much larger. And I'm so much busier now than I was in those wards. So it is much harder for me to get to know everyone and quickly. I'm also still calling-less, and have no responsibilities which by nature would help me get to know more people.

Still, I am trying to go to many social functions. A huge thing for me, considering my qualms and such. Tonight's huge Mingles activity made me feel better as I not only met more people, but realized there are at least 10 people I know and who know me. People who pat me on the shoulder as they walk past, or ask about my week and particulars about my job, or worry over how tired I look and completely understand when the hour is past my bedtime. I don't feel that I'm being judged or made fun of for who I am and how I live. I am around a lot more understanding, and general good will than I've been in a while. Not that some of that wasn't there in the last few years, it's just here in abundance.

It may be slow going getting into this ward, but it is going--and I am grateful my Savior is giving me courage and patience in this endeavor.

Be Ye Therefore Perfect

Day 27

In Institute this evening, we talked more of something mentioned briefly last week. It's something that means a lot to me right now, as in the last two(+) years I was recovering from doing just such a thing to myself.

Perfection.

We're supposed to strive for it. Try to be so.

But even with all our efforts, we will never reach perfection in this life. It is absolutely impossible. It's one of the reasons for the Savior's Atonement. We try, do, and live as best as we can to reach up in being obedient in keeping the commandments, and then the Savior reaches down to grasp our hand. That grasp connects us not only to perfection, but is our way to the rest of our perfection as He will pull us the rest of the way. Our journey to perfection is impossible on our own. Every one needs the Atonement for so many reasons, perfection being one of them.

And yet, as my teacher mentioned, "too many of us get caught up on this idea of perfection." We beat ourselves for not being perfect, or as perfect as we perceive others to be, or for not progressing fast enough or well enough in our strive for perfection. And this, of course, is ridiculous for us since we will never be perfect in this life! Even the Savior in this life did not refer to himself as perfect. Matthew 5:48, when the Savior was living a mortal life, records the Savior saying, "Ye are commanded to be perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." Yet after He was resurrected and visiting the ancient Americas, 3 Nephi 12:48 records His teaching now to be, "Therefore I would that ye should be perfect even as I or your Father who is in heaven is perfect." Not until after the Atonement and His resurrection would the Savior--He who lived a perfect life--refer to Himself as perfect. So, if the Savior didn't refer to Himself as so in this life, why are we beating up ourselves for something that is impossible?

Of course, it's not that we should just give up. We still need to keep pressing forward and living righteously. We just need to stop comparing ourselves to others. Or setting ridiculous expectations of ourselves. I was very guilty of both, and they are still things I struggle with. But in October 2008, when I was told to read chapter 6 in Preach My Gospel concerning attributes of Christ, I plummeted into deep darkness as I reviled myself for being so unlike Christ, and so not like other people who were so much better than me. For not being where I thought I should or could have been.

I was so caught up in how awful I was, it was difficult for me to do what I should have done: accept the weaknesses and then press forward trying to make them strengths. No. Instead, I listened to the adversary and kept berating myself for what a terrible person I was. Now I can look back and see how wrong I was to act and react like that. And it seems so easy to say "Don't do that. Just realize what is wrong and work harder to get better." But trust me. Having been there and deep in that, I know how easy it didn't feel then.

But I have a wonderful Savior, and His wonderful disciples, all of whom helped me slowly get out of what I had put myself into. It took a lot of conscious work and effort. And I still had my regressive moments. But for the second time in my life, I truly gained an appreciation, understanding, and actualization of the power of the Atonement as I began to allow the Savior to use it to bring me back up.

Hearing my teacher talk about perfection, I was able to testify in my heart to myself. Yes. I cannot be perfect in this life. And I need to stop being an idiot by beating myself up over it. (Which, right now, I'm not, but I need to be wary because it is so easy for me to do.) I just need to do as Elder Christofferson counseled at the recent CES fireside: live one day at a time.

If I live every day to the best of my ability, then I am moving toward perfection the way I am intended to. If I make a mistake, which I am bound and guaranteed to do, then I pick myself up again, repent, and keep moving toward my Father and my Savior. Don't get caught up over the mistakes, the weaknesses, or the lacking. Just keep doing what I know is right. And once in a while, if I happen to glance back, I will see that I really am progressing, and know that the Lord is happy with what I'm doing. (And if I bring along some people with me, so much the better!)

It was wonderful to hear this in class, and make my personal connections about it, and I'm grateful for all the Lord has helped me through and to for me to be at this point at this time.

I Know that I am Nothing

Day 26

I've received compliments at work before. And for my work and service to the patrons. It is a wonderful feeling. The information desk I work at is at least (at least) 3 times busier. Thus, the compliments come a bit more. I know the work I do is not all of my own skills or talents. I know the Lord is behind it all. He is behind the ease I find to smile again. He is behind the ability I have to figure out what I'm doing. And He is the reason why I love to help others and see their happiness and hear their gratitude.

More and more I understand what Elder Scott said in our Stake Conference 2 years ago when someone thanks him for what he has said (or done, in my case) and how as he says "Thank you," his thank you is also directed to the Source that it truly belongs to.

Confidence in Me

Day 25

My first teen program is underway. Everything approved and prepared. Just a matter of waiting until next week. But it is exciting.

And I feel just a little less inadequate as the Lord gives me a bit more confidence in the ability He has given me.

All in the Hair

Day 24

I'm not typically a fan of Latin dancing. It's just too za-za-whoa! with the hips and everything. It's worse for me when it is intended to be a social dance. Because Latin dancing is not the kind of dancing I want to be dancing with any man who is not my husband. But I could not help having one pleasure at FHE this evening, no matter how odd, silly, and vain. My hair. (Oh, a treasured blessing that I frequently try to prepare myself for any event in life that may, um, separate me from it.) Including when it flows in grace and beauty that makes me look like I know how to twirl and spin.

Even the little silly joys that bring a smile and a squink more of seeing beauty in myself when I often do not is important to my Savior because He knows the effect it will have on me--and I am grateful for that.

What's Best

Day 23

We had a multi-stake fireside. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go as the time drew closer, for I was worried I might miss ward prayer and was really hoping to go to that. But I knew that ward prayer was any Sunday, and firesides are not. And I felt I should go to this one. Totally worth it. The subject was one I never would have expected, but just perfect.

And then I got to see the mission president and his wife--people I've known since Kindergarten!

Following promptings is best, because the Lord really does know what's best.

:-)

Day 22

Life is good.

Often that's all I need from the Lord.

"Temples Dot the..." Valley!

Day 21

Not only did I make it to the temple today (a much longed for visit in the 3 months that I've been denied the  opportunity or ability to go), but I also managed to

-have my Internet set up (yay!)
-obtain frames (for cheap!) to give the rest of my pictures a nicer look as they hang on the wall
-have pizza (mmmmm)
-have a quick chat with my dear (engaged!) friend
-buy a ticket for a wedding in April
-set up a hair appointment...in April
-budget and balance
-look at old books
-catch up on emails and such
-watch the first two episodes of the current season of Lark Rise!!!!
-do my first load of laundry in this new abode

There was more I could have done, but I was a little lazy in some of my goings-ons and goings-abouts.

The point is that I got all of those things done on the same day as I was able to go to the temple. It was a reminder over and over of how close I am to not just one temple, but several! Even with one closed for maintenance, I had 3 others to choose from that were within a half hour's drive. Not 3-4 hours one way. And all of the possibilities of being able to maybe return to attending the temple on a weekly basis just made my heart swell.

Yes--one absolutely, wonderfully joyous reason the Lord has brought me here!

Familiar

Day 20

I met an old friend. Or, rather, a former friend. No, no. That's not it either.

A friend I've known for years!

Yes. That's it.

A friend I have had since Freshman year at BYU--over 10 years ago. Indeed, one of the original members of the Fall 2000 Cannon Center Breakfast Club! One who I've run into on random occasions during my times of living in Utah. She was visiting my Institute class this evening. And it was lovely having a short chat to see how the other is doing.

I love it when the Lord sees fit to send along a friend from our past, just when an "old" familiar face would mean the world to us.

Future Horizons

Day 19

Today I got a glimpse of my role in this huge library system. I may not be very high on the totem pole. Indeed, I haven't any clue just how many "up theres" are up there. But now I know I'm not as low on that pole either.

Don't get me wrong. Every position is needed and vital. Goodness--we have people whose entire responsibility is to shelve the millions of items returned every year! I have my joys in shelving, but it is a relief to not have to keep stopping my other tasks in order to fulfill that one, too. Or those who keep the grounds so nice and clean and lovely.

I guess the closest I can get to it is how much I affect or am in contact/cooperation with others in the system. And in a system this large with as many patrons as we serve, it is daunting and exciting at the same time.

I am grateful that the Lord sees and knows my abilities as well as (and maybe more to the point) my potential--and that He has led me to such opportunities as are ahead of me!

Prompt promptings

Day 18

Last night I was quite unsettled. It could have lasted in to today. But the Lord knew best how to fix that. He (or should I say the Comforter He sends us) prompted me how to calm myself and bring the Spirit back into my life. And He did so immediately. But it wasn't just last evening. The prompting kept on into today.

I needed it, and it worked, and I so am grateful for that quick and persistent prompting.

One Day

Day 17

A whole day off. I find this quite helpful shortly after beginning a new job that is overwhelming in all of its new information, duties, and responsibilities. But especially helpful after having just received all of my belongings and longing to have everything unpacked.

And it is all unpacked. My apartment is lovely, clean, and organized. And I feel I can breathe just a little bit more easily now.

Plus--I was in PJs most of the day!!! How much more fun could it have been?

Oh, plenty. For I added in some movies in the background.

And it was all such a wonderful, relaxing day which I know the Lord knew I needed.

I have a family

Day 16

It is good to have family nearby again. Immediate as well as extended. And it is good to have time and ability to visit them.

Every day I am being reminded by my Savior of just why He knows this is the best place for me to be right now.

We all have work

Day 15

I love elders in an Elders' Quorum who help fulfill one of their priesthood responsibilities--even when they don't know the person that well. It meant worlds to me to have young men from my new ward show up to help me and my brother unload the moving fan which finally showed up.

Priesthood holders serving a nervous, scared, worried, misplaced, unsettled daughter of God today is great blessing from a mindful Father and His Son.

Here or There

Day 14

I have been here almost a week. And in my new apartment for 6 days. This is my first night to just stay at home. While I liked all of the social opportunities (in spite of my social anxieties) I have had and have felt like my acclimatization has gone faster and easier with all of these, I will be honest that it was a relief to return to an evening of Hermit Status.

I love that the Lord knows what my social needs are, but also understands my love for solitude and has led me to a life where I can easily and frequently opt between the two.

We gather together

Day 13

I was in sheer awe.

And nervousness.

And wonder.

And in overwhelming "wow."

Because there was an entire BUILDING for Institute classes. With a chapel and a gym and such. And classes offered all week long. And more people in my one class than would show up to Sunday meetings at my most recent branch back east.

I knew these things existed. And I went to BYU, so I've been around hundreds and thousands of Mormons before. And been in fabulous scripture study courses with scads of people. And been in college buildings swarmed with LDS people going to school or church (depending on the day). But I did now grow up out here. This is not common for me.

And I hope I never lose my awe and wonder and excitement over dozens or hundreds or thousands of my faith all congregating in one place where we share in our love for the Savior and thirst for Gospel knowledge and testimony building.

I am grateful the Savior blessed me to grow up in such a way that I would not take the Gospel as much for granted so that I could have so many wonderful experiences throughout my life, including being immensely buoyed up by a simple gathering of Latter-day Saints.

Off to Work I Go

Day 12

There is nothing like easing one's way into a new life than by doing something slightly familiar (even if in an entirely new place with new people and new...everything!). As soon as someone asked me a question as I sat at the reference desk, my heart went into Happy Overdrive. And I'm at a busy library again! You can't imagine how much joy that brings me.

I am so glad my Savior knew what kind of work brings me happiness and led me to that work over a decade ago!

1-11-11

Day 11

Another fun date!

Today (so far) all I can think about is my ability to afford all of the things I'm having to take care of. Thank goodness for savings accounts and planning ahead for the financial expense I knew this move would be.

The Lord knows how much finances affect me. My entire world can be The Pit of Despair when finances get tight/tricky/scary/confusing/dire. Not that it gets all that bad very often, but because I am very sensitive to it, the slightest thing can affect me. And does affect me.

And I know the Lord knows that. I know He helps me through each of the major and minor crises I have experienced in the last few years where finances are concerned. He has always watched over me, keeping me from greater harm. He has always helped me to have steady income. He has always helped me make ends meet. And He has helped me improve my savings in preparation for what my near future might require of me.

All of this, I know, is tied in with my faith and with being a full-tithe payer--because I have seen the Lord's promises come about for me in this.

More than Fun

Day 10

Glow-in-the-dark dodgeball.

Way Fun.

At all phases of its "creation."

And glow-in-the-dark capture the flag?

Also Way Fun.

But it wasn't just fun. It was more.

Because relaxing, fun, silly evening meeting new people after one CRAZY day of errands trumps simple fun by reassuring me that I am watched over, understood, and not alone.

True Guidance

Day 9

Tonight's CES Fireside talk given by Elder Christofferson was perfect. Exactly what I needed to hear right now. Everything going on in my life keeps projecting my mind-frame days, weeks, months, even years ahead. And it is exhausting! Not to mention overwhelming, frightening, and even disheartening. I too often think far down the road when things get tough and scary. And it is never good for me.

So to have an Apostle of the Jesus Christ tell me that it is OK to think day-to-day for some things--to often focus on getting through one day at a time, means the world to me. It very much ties in with Pres. Uchtdorf's recent General Conference message about slowing down. I need both of those in my life, but particularly now.

And I am grateful that my Savior knows me so well and knows to give me pertinent, meaningful, and wonderful guidance through His servants.

Getting Through

Day 8

Today my typical "My Life is Changing" worries and fears not only surfaced, but reared their ugly heads and roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws.

And they were ready to eat me in one bite.

But as I fought off the tears and the "What have I dones?," I searched for my faith in my Savior--He who is always there for me and understanding of all. Hope is supposed to dispel fear. So I am currently holding fast to this faith, searching for the hope that is in my Savior which will defeat this fear.

I am so grateful that I have hope for hope,

and that I am not alone in this,

and that I know I will get through this because the Lord is at my side.

I See the Stars

Day 7

Tonight while my mother gave me a break from driving, I had the joy of looking out at the world that passed. I have always loved car trips when I get to be the passenger. We drove as night fell. And we were in a part of the country with r very few cities, towns, or settlements and very few artificial lights. Thus what to my marveling eyes did appear but hundreds of stars that I don't usually see in the year.

What an immediate sense of awe and wonderment I felt, while at the same time the words to a hymn came to mind.

And as I gazed at the chock-full-of-stars night sky, my testimony of the Savior grew a little stronger as I re-echoed "How Great Thou Art!"

Worth It

Day 6

I've had a lot of time to think on my current trip. And I've known since last Sunday that I had forgotten my exact promise to the Savior. I didn't write it down because, well, most of my things were packed and I felt it was too sacred to record here. But as it was finally starting to come back to me, I realize that it is something I want to share at least part of here. I want to really focus on my Savior this year. It ties in with gratitude especially, as I want to recognize His hand in my life more while also tying things to scriptures and Gospel messages and improving my testimony of Him.

In my few days of forgetfulness, I kind of made a new promise. Which was the missionary one (explained in that post). So, now that I remember the original promise, I decided to stick to the original (since it works better--or it is easier for me to do--with the daily gratitudes) but try to still incorporate the Member Missionary Every Day. The latter may take a little time as I figure out just what I'm doing, but I think it a good and exciting idea to try both! It may be in the same post (like today), or it may be separate. We'll see how it turns out!

So, today's missionary moment and message of the Savior is how much a testimony of Him and faith in Him is truly a sustaining power. My mother and I have made mention on this trip of various things the pioneer saints endured as they went through the early years of the Church's history. How much they sacrificed and endured--and some of those physical challenges being harder than we today could ever imagine. And why? Why endure such cold in frozen clothing? Why keep going on as life after loved one's life keeps getting taken away?

Why?

Because the Savior is real and His Church and His Gospel are real and it is all worth the small sacrifices in this life to return home to heaven and the promises that the Savior has made possible for us.

A Past Farewell

Day 5

First day of trip is about to come to an end.

And we're staying in a hotel instead of a cold car at some rest area! It's amazing.

So many wonderful things for the day.

A very enjoyable trip so far.

Yet I think the very best and happiest thing for me today was getting to have a chance to say farewell to my dear East Coast by spending a few hours in a state I lived in for many years, particularly the city (and the high school, and city park, and old house...). It was gorgeous and breath-taking and extremely nostalgic. But I loved it.

I'm grateful for a Father (and Savior) who really does know the things that matter to us, even the very little ones.

I Love to See

Day 4

Today marks 9 years since I went to the temple and received my endowment. Temples and the work done therein are very important in the Gospel. I see the pinnacle of the Gospel being the work done in the temple. So if I'm going to be a member missionary in my small way on my small blog here, I want every reader to know:

I love temples. I believe in the work done in the temples. And I know the work done in temples are the greatest blessings that can come to families.

Sharing

Day 3

I think part of being a member missionary is getting to know the people you interact with--member or not.

I was happy to visit with a member friend at FHE tonight--one who is now in a calling where understanding others' perspectives and experiences may be very beneficial to her, as it has been for me.

No Worry

Day 2

We spoke of member missionary work in Church today.

I'm not sure what to expect in this move, with the LDS population certainly increasing but in no way being the only religion there. What will my encounters be like, and with whom?

As I worry about my chances and opportunities in sharing the Gospel, I realize two of the most important things about being a member missionary are two things I am grateful to have developed over time:

Being myself, and opening my mouth.

1-1-11

Day 1

Ha ha--what a fun date!!

A new year.

New chances, new opportunities, and new experiences for new joys and new gratitudes. But this year I am going to try and tie in missionary work specifically. I guess coinciding with my brother's blog concerning his missionary preparation. Thus, let me welcome you to the 2011 Every Member a Missionary Every Day. And we will start off with the fact that as members and more importantly followers of Christ, we believe in service. And it is humbling when that service is given for you.

Today's great joy is having everything packed in the moving truck and on its way--and having friends willing to put up with me in my grouchy sick condition + grouchy I'm-moving condition to help me get things going.