Reflection: My Life as Great-Aunt Rose

My Conference talk today was Pres. Uchtdorf's "A Summer with Great-Aunt Rose." I had to share the talk, and then my response in my Gospel Study journal. It was too wonderful not to share.



This talk is PERCECT! I was getting ready for my bday party at the time. I was listening, but the karaoke guy wouldn't stop talking. Pretty much missed it all. So this was entirely new to me; and it didn't hit close to home. It hit home. When Aunt Rose tells Eva of her dark days, of the realization that her dreams would not come true as she'd hoped and the despair which followed--I know those feelings. That was me. It happened in small pieces here and there after I finished undergraduate school until a huge wave crashed into me one day after finishing graduate school and I'd moved to a new state and begun my first "professional" job. I sat on the floor of my own apartment, weeping into my unfinished baby Superman quilt as every unfulfilled dream burned into ashes. I spent a couple of years trying to deal with the disenchantment as even more things crumbled around me. The negativity from hopelessness and sorrow started to affect every aspect of my life. I am grateful for my church leaders, my best friend, co-workers, and my long-distance mother and close friends for buoying me up during what has been the darkest abyss of my life.

And in that time, like Rose, I realized I needed to rely on faith again. I needed to build it up. As I did, it built the hope. I started to focus on the bright, happy things in life. I tried to be more obedient and focus on what I could change in life: me!

Exactly as Rose said: "God didn't design us to be sad. He created us to have joy! So if we trust Him, He will help us to notice the good, bright, hopeful things of life. And sure enough, the world will become brighter. No, it doesn't happen instantly, but honestly how many good things do? Seems to me that the best things...take patience and work."

And I can testify of that. It took me about 3 years of work and patience. Like Rose, "I had some dark days.... Faith in the Savior taught me that no matter what happened in the past, my story could have a happy ending." But one day I looked at my life and realized I wasn't just happy. I was full of joy! My life was amazing and I loved it.

No, I haven't reached my ending. But Rose said, "Now is part of eternity." And I am living happiness in my eternity now for "faith and hope will open your eyes to the happiness that is placed before you.... Faith gave me the hope I needed to live joyfully now!"

Why do I like to be in musicals?
Why do I dance and sing around my house?
Why did I start to learn West Coast Swing?
Why will I be starting up Pottery classes?
Why do I love to dress up for formal balls?
Why do I love to dance even if I'm terrible at it?
Why did I sing in Sterling Singers for the last 2 years?
Why did I go to Harry Potter World, and swim with dolphins?
Why did I travel so much in the last couple of years to see family and the beautiful country we are blessed with?
Why do I get blamed for being "over-dressed" at church and sometimes work?
Why do I love to attend temples?
Why do I read?
Why do I create costumes?
Why do I love my job?
Why do I work so hard at the dating/social life?
Why do I participate in service projects?
WHY?
Because "I could have a little faith, put on a bright dress, slip on my dancing shoes, and skip down the path of life, singing as I went" (emphasis added). I can have "a spring in [my] step" because I am "moving forward and upward."

What a perfect talk for me, because I can testify with my entire being that I know it teaches truths. I have experienced and now live those truths. And I love it!

(Adding this here, since I can't in my study journal):

Gospel Message Day 276

Another Random Thought

I once had a lesson about paying yourself first. It went along the lines of one is not able to lift another to higher ground unless they are on higher ground themselves. Some times you need to pay yourself first--give yourself the attention needed to take care of yourself so that you are well enough to then take care of others. And by caring, I mean mentally and emotionally as well as physically.

While I know the importance of paying myself first, I often forget to actually do so. Today I was able to remember. The problem with me is I often feel guilty when I attend to that, because I feel like I'm being lazy and not helping where I should. I frequently have to remind myself that my service to others by that point has started to lag. My energy has depleted and I am running on fumes. Service fueled by fumes is not effective, so we should never feel guilty when we have to take the time to refuel.

Today was a day of refueling. The guilt wanted to come in, but I told myself to ignore it. The refueling was necessary. And how rejuvenated and clear and at peace I felt after a few hours of my refueling--that is a testament to the importance of paying yourself first. Just don't let it get to the point of pay yourself only or pay yourself more than others. Selfishness is not recharging.

We're Going to Count Again

There has been a few months of blog silence. 98% of the time, silence means one thing for me: I'm busy. Sorry. It happens. A lot. And will even more so for the next few months. But I love my busy life and wouldn't change it for the world. Aside from the busy-ness increasing, the happiness increases every day as well. As a testament of that, you can see my somewhat recent "challenge" of 100 Happy Days on my Tumblr blog here: http://ldsjaneite.tumblr.com/tagged/100HappyDays/chrono

But I thought I'd share just a few recent happinesses (aka blessings) on this blog so you know I'm still alive and well and loving every bit of my life (the joys AND the sorrows).

1. Sprouts - my favorite "healthy" grocery store just opened a new location yesterday. And it's only 1/2 a mile from my work! I pass the place twice a day. This will make it so much easier when I need to shop for the harder-to-find-items. I already visited the store today!

2. The weather the last 2 weeks. Oh my fabulousness. I have been in love. Lightning shows. Cool breezes. Sprinkles of rain in sunshine. HEAVY downpours (albeit rather short compared to my home). Clouds galore. I feel that heaven for me will have some amazing weather, for that's where I have been in all this gloriousness.

3. I learned from a storytime mom that after reading Sophie's Squash last week in storytime, her squash and zucchini have been disappearing from her garden. When she discovers them, she learns her girls have been calling them Bernice. And once she cooks the discovered ones, the girls sneak out to the garden and take more. Absolutely hilarious!

4. Even if it's annoying, our staff can find a vein of humor in those patrons (particular one I suppose) who think they know better how our library items should be organized and shelved and take it upon themselves to change them accordingly. Oh the audacity. It makes us laugh.

5. I love being in a musical. I love my cast. I love the time I get to sing, dance, laugh, and especially be silly. There is no better de-stressor for me during the craziest, most stressful time of year for me.

6. I work out. Therefore, my muscles are sore. I adore that feeling, even if it does make walking normally or sneezing a little difficult.

7. I made a decision this week that brought about a great deal of peace in many aspects of my life.

8. Compliments. When given sincerely and in the right way, they really do make this girl feel absolutely beautiful inside and out.

9. Getting to visit with family recently and having a chance to see a few more soon.

10. Anticipating a phone call.

11. Finishing up the 3-week Whole Living detox/cleanse and feeling fantastic. Lost weight. Lost inches. And I think I can tackle this lifetime of PCOS-connected diabetic caution now.

12. It's been 2 months (which usually is the testing period), and the new skin care regime seems to actually help with my skin type AND keep the psoriasis at bay. After 14 years of a facial battleground, this is one of the biggest miracles to enter my life.

13. Having a wonderful roommate in my life. I will miss her so much.

14. The Lord answering prayers and pleas about important decisions I had to make.

15. Never a dull moment. Never.

16. Not getting sick during this stressful time when many others around me have. I could have dealt, but it was so nice not having to.

17. The headaches have been mostly at bay. Only 2 (and rather minor) in 8 weeks! Another miracle considering, again, the stress.

18. Great co-workers. They are so supportive and understanding and patient and helpful and caring and fun.

19. Water. No that's not silly. Water is Amazingness in itself.

20. Books. Reading. Need I say more?

The Lord blesses me. Always.

Free to Live

Day 102

I watched a new film version of "The Diary of Anne Frank" this morning. It aired last night on Masterpiece Theater, in conjunction with Holocaust Remembrance Day. This film version focused a little more on parts of Anne's diary that the other versions I've seen have not. Not much, anyhow. Overall, I thought it well done. And not until the end did I realize how it was affecting me and that I was crying. The story of Anne Frank, those in the annexe, and many others who were in hiding during WWII always gets me to thinking about my life. The freedoms I have. Especially the ones to practice my religion, to hold the opinions and views that I have, and to live the standards and values that I believe in.

And to come and go as I please. Compared to some who hid, this annexe group had great luxuries in their hiding place. But to be forced to be cooped up. To not have the chance to walk outside and feel every part of one of my favorite Primary songs "My Heavenly Father Loves Me."

I am grateful to be fully and freely a part of His creations.

Free to Be

Day 71

Every time I go to visit my Locked-In Syndrome friend, I am reminded of how wonderful and amazing it is that I can move on my own. Exercising is a joy when I know I can just get up and do it when I want. No one to have to lift me out of bed. No one using electrodes to stimulate muscles and get the signals to the brain that are not working. My whole body--little pains and all--is a marvelous wonder of amazingness! Little to no effort to shake someone's hand, or make a fist, or tap my foot to a rhythm. I am always humbled and shamed when I think how much I complain over my various illnesses and forget that I have a body that functions on its own.

There's an old LDS commercial that I taught to some friends at school in 6th grade. We used to sing it at recess all the time.

Run

Jump

Climb

Walk

Laugh

&

Cry

Throw

Fetch

Play Catch

Slip

&

Slide

Look

Swim

Eat

Grin

Cook

&

CHEER

Giggle

Wait

Talk Straight

(Woo!!)

Be There!

Love isn't just something you say, it's something you do.

A message from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Of that list, my friend can only do about 6 on her own. Especially wait. "She has the patience of Job" as they say. She really does. And yet she makes so much progress in gaining back the use of various limbs. I've seen her lift her legs from a bent position into a straight position, and I want to cry every time I see this amazing feat because when I met her, she couldn't even lift her head on her own.

If there was anything I was to truly gain from living here right now in this time of my life, I believe it was knowing my friend. She has changed my life and of a surety left "a handprint on my heart."

Bungee Jumping

“All of us can find enjoyment in a wide range of wholesome, entertaining, and engaging activities. But we diminish the importance of our bodies and jeopardize our physical well-being by going to unusual and dangerous extremes searching for an ever greater and more exhilarating adrenaline ‘rush.’ We may rationalize that surely nothing is wrong with such seemingly innocent exploits and adventures. However, putting at risk the very instrument God has given us to receive the learning experiences of mortality—merely to pursue a thrill or some supposed fun, to bolster ego, or to gain acceptance—truly minimizes the importance of our physical bodies.” David A. Bednar, “Things as They Really Are,” CES fireside for young adults, May 3, 2009 I know some hear, think, and feel different things when our leaders speak to us. Hopefully those are things of the Spirit that we use as a personal guide to help us make the best decisions and choices for ourselves. It may be silly to some, but as soon as I heard Elder Bednar say this, I knew that my desire (and reasons for that desire) to want to try bungee jumping some day were wrong. In general I am fairly protective of the body Heavenly Father has placed me in charge of. But I occasionally do like the thrill of something fast and exhilarating. But for mine own self, I know that at least this one desire is wrong. It pushes boundaries of safety and goes into dangerous, thus being something I know I am not to pursue. Others will feel this means something else to them. What is most important is if what you feel is the Spirit guiding you, and then following that spiritual prompting.

One blessing of fasting

The hymn in today's Family Scripture Study coincided quite well. I've been going through the hymns in order, and today's happened to be #139, In Fasting We Approach Thee. Being one of the 2 songs specifically about fasting, I'm of course familiar with it. Certain phrases ring in my mind when I think on it. But today, as I sang, verse 2 had so much more significance. 

Thru this small sacrifice, may we

Recall that strength and life each day

Are sacred blessings sent from thee--

Fill us with gratitude, we pray.

I knew, but really hadn't before pondered and fully thought on how the tiny sacrifice of fasting can help me be grateful for the good health and physical body that I am blessed with. I have plenty of physical problems, but I am still able to do much. For that I am grateful. 

What have I to complain about a little pain in the knees when I can still not only walk, but am blessed to run again? What have I to complain of a little heart tremor when I am still not restricted from anything, and perhaps it is just a gentle reminder of how reliant I am upon the Lord in all things especially life itself? What have I to complain of a little pudge here or there, or being shorter than average, or having crooked knees, or, well, anything? I have a body that has comparatively few restrictions of living life to its fullest and ablest. And if a few things don't look as good as they could, or work as well as they might, then I can use those as reminders to work my best to care of what I have been entrusted with, be grateful for what I do have, and remember those who have so many more debilitating physical things than I. 

The rest of the hymn was also very good, as it brought to mind the article from April's 2009 Ensign about fasting which I read last week in preparation for today. It felt good this week to have much more of a focus on the actual principles of the fast, as well as my personal fast today. I hope to remember the lessons and continue to apply and increase my knowledge, understanding, and practice of the fast. 

Live to the Fullest

"A quality life is God's greatest wish for us. Life is to be lived well in whatever circumstances we find ourselves. There should not be a waiting period."

Marvin J. Ashton, "Be a Quality Person," Ensign, Feb. 1993, 64

Oh. amen! My mother gave me the book A Single Voice about a month ago. It is written my Elder Oaks' second wife, whom I have heard speak more than once. I greatly admire her. She is right up there with Sheri Dew, for me. Such wonderful advice Sister Oaks gives which go right along with what Elder Ashton said. They are encouraging words for me and are constant reminders to not only keep pressing forward, but to make something of the life I've been blessed with. On the cover of the book it says, "The Unexpected Life is No Less a Life."

Here are some other fantastic quotes from the book:

• We cannot stop becoming or sit and wait for our lives to unfold in a way that may never be.
• Going to the temple alone is not a consolation prize; it is the consummate gift from our Heavenly Father.
• The Lord is pleased with out devotion to Him, no matter our marital status.
• The more we know of [Jesus Christ], His doctrine, and His teachings, and partake of the ordinances, the more significance His Atonement has in our lives. It also follows that with our increased devotion and understanding of Him, the happier and more complete we become. That doesn't mean there will be no more bad days but rather a lot more happy and contented ones.
• As we draw closer to the Lord and our testimonies increase, our ability to endure happily increases.
• By applying the principles of the gospel and knowing we are precious in the eyes of God, we can attain peace and happiness.
• The Lord is going to give us the life that is best for us. One way or the other, it is not going to be easy.
• As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we have a responsibility to make out moment bright and to live to our full potential, married or not.