Gospel Message Day 285

Gratitude, Part 9

One more day on this topic. I've been talking about some of the greater trials I've had to face, and what I have been able to find to be grateful for. Can't ignore the elephant in the room--every reader of the blog knows it is there. One of my greatest trials is being single much longer than I expected or anticipated.

I don't think I need to go in to particulars. The loneliness, sorrow, disappointment, discouragement, hurt, frustration, and lowered self-esteem have abounded in this blog. There's no need to keep hashing that out. What I am to do today is tell what I'm grateful for as to my single situation, and years of unsuccessful dating.

*I am grateful I have not married the wrong person.

*I am grateful I've had a lot of time to learn more about myself. I hope it will make me a better wife.

*I am grateful I have had time to be single. I hope it will make me more grateful when I am sealed to my best friend and will inspire me to work even harder at our marriage.

*I am grateful I have had time to learn how to date. While it still hasn't led to the desired outcome, it has helped me learn more generally about relationships, human nature, kindness, and selflessness--all things that I can use in y every day life, single or no.

*I am grateful I have met many men who are also trying to find their best friend. There may have been many awkward, embarrassing, and frustrating encounters and experiences with them, but they are God's sons and I trust they are/were doing the best that they know/knew how.

*I am grateful I have made many friends and acquaintances who are also in the single state of life. They are the only ones I know who have an inkling of what I'm going through, whom I can fully count on for sympathy, support, and understanding.

*I am grateful I have had my eyes opened in regards to so many things. There are many aspects of life that I had no idea about, and no experience in. I would not have learned about them if I had not remained in the single life.

*I am grateful I have been able to maintain a sense of humor throughout.

*I am grateful that I know the Lord cares about me as well as about this (and every!) situation of my life, and that if I listen He will continue to guide me throughout all of it.

*I am grateful that in spite of it all, I find exquisite and genuine fulness of joy and happiness.

Gospel Message Day 284

Gratitude, Part 8

I've been thinking all day about various things, and I've felt that I really need to try more to look outward. I read a couple of Conference talks to get me some ideas of where to get started. And I came across this paragraph, which was so pertinent to my current topic:

"[S]ervice is the principal way of showing gratitude to the Savior. We need to fill ourselves up with gratitude for His redeeming love, His infinite atoning sacrifice, His obedience to the will of the Father. As we become full of gratitude, it overflows into service, and “inasmuch as [we] have done it unto one of the least of these [his] brethren, [we] have done it unto [Him].” (Matt. 25:40.)

I love that. We can show gratitude to so many in so many ways. And one would think that being obedient was a way to show gratitude. But it isn't so much. Obedience reflects our desire and efforts to return to our Heavenly Father. But service goes beyond that. Service is a reflection of our gratitude. "Because I have been given much, I too must give" is the perfect hymn to illustrate that.

Gospel Message Day 283

Gratitude, Part 7

Another trial I have been blessed with: crooked knees! Went about 4 or 5 years with the diagnosis of arthritis. But then my true, wonderful doctor (not a school nurse) said my knees were crooked and even took x-rays to verify. This ailment has manifested itself in burning, throbbing knees when they have reached their limit. The pain was much worse when I was a teen, especially when I was running a lot. Cross Country brought out significant pain. The last few weeks of the season were so painful. I remember after a dance in my senior year, I was spending the night at a friend's. My knees were shaking from their throbbing and I was close to tears.

I believe my knees have gotten stronger over the years, and more used to the work I put them to--something to be grateful there!

But though the pain has eased much over time, they still manifest effects. I cannot sit still for very long without the knees having to shift position. I'm sure I annoy people when I sit near them on a couch. Constantly stretching, bending, twisting. It's the only way to keep them comfortable.

I think the biggest thing I have to be grateful for is that though the knees can hurt, they work! Though there is pain there is also strength, functionality, and capability--which is worth any pain considering the alternative.

I am grateful that there are so many "knees scriptures" that I can find reassurance in and great symbolism from.

Isaiah 35: 3    
Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees.

Job 4:4
Thy words have upholden him that was falling, and thou hast strengthened the feeble knees.

Doctrine and Covenants 81:5
Wherefore, be faithful; stand in the office which I have appointed unto you; succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees.

They are weak, but they make me strong.

Gospel Message Day 282

Gratitude, Part 6

Another, larger trial that has been a part of my life has been with me all my life, though it was not (and honestly could not be) diagnosed until I was 17. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). There are many different symptoms to this and not every woman who suffers from it has the same ones (hence syndrome). For me, my symptoms have included:

*major mood swings (my doctor called them violent)
*acne on my face (which is so annoying, since I really didn't have much of it as a teen)
*areas of excess weight that are nigh on impossible to get rid of
*other unfortunate visible effects that I'm too embarrassed to admit even to the 2 or 3 readers of this blog

And those are just the outward effects that people can easily see and observe. One of those is the higher risk of cancer, and an extremely high risk of diabetes. But the main one is my ability to have children, which I can't know the full extent of the difficulty until I'm married. Within a year of my diagnosis, I was in college and dating someone with whom I was beginning to contemplate marriage. Obviously, we did not go that route. But from that time on I have always felt like a walking false advertisement. I want children, and I want to marry a man who wants children. But I've gone years not knowing if I'll be able to have them. And then as years keep going by, my chances grow less because of time as well as capability.

It has been a trial of many, many years that brings pain, emotions, visible defects (again), and sorrow and disappointment. So what is my gratitude in all of that?

I am grateful that I was diagnosed so young. Most women are misdiagnosed because of the symptoms mirroring other diseases. Some don't even know to get tested to receive a diagnosis. Because we caught it young, my being medicated may make children easier than it otherwise would have been.

I am grateful that I was able to start considering adoption and welcoming it much sooner than many people in life. It is a difficult thing to face the fact that adoption may be your only answer, because it is a different way to achieve a dream. It isn't a bad way, but it takes some time to wrap one's head and especially one's heart around it. I've had 15 years to face it. To learn from others who have walked that road. I have gained such great knowledge and feelings from that.

I am grateful that I have had time to get to know myself over these years. And by that, I mean I have gotten to know my emotions. I don't know why or when the roller coaster will takes its plunges, but I have been able to recognize them when they come on. And I know to remove myself from others and to do what I need to in order to assist the highs in coming back.

I am grateful I know. I see many women who exhibit symptoms of PCOS and do not know. Most have never even heard of the disease. 1 in 10 women is affected by it, and most do not know. I can't imagine going about life not knowing and being able to treat things.

I am grateful that my medication has helped with some of the more visible aspects and made life for me (and my family and my roommates and anyone else who comes in to contact with me!) so much more pleasant.

I am grateful it's not something worse.

I am grateful that I know what to beware of so I can go about prevention.

I am grateful I have a challenge. I don't always love to have challenges, but wouldn't life be so boring without them? So, this one is mine.

I am grateful that one day my best friend will be with me to support me through having this trial, especially when the worst part of it will finally be able to be faced. I won't ever have to physically face it alone.

Gospel Message Day 281

Gratitude, Part 5

"'What right have you to be merry? What reason have you to be merry? You're poor enough.'

...'What right have you to be dismal? What reason have you to be morose? You're rich enough!'"

- A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens

I've always liked that quote. And I think it very applicable to what I'm going to write of today. For though I am poor, I have great reason to be merry--because I am so very rich!

I have truly been greatly blessed in my life, in big things and especially in the little things. It is not difficult for me to look around and immediately see the glaringly wonderful and amazing blessings such as my home, my job, my health, my family, my food, my clothes, my ability to take care of my every need, my opportunity to work with children, my proximity to temples, my knowledge, and my testimony. 

But I think the greater challenge and thus the greater joy is trying to find what there is to be grateful for in my trials. Today I'm going to speak about one of those.

As a young teen, I had really awful dandruff. To the point that I scratched my head raw most nights as I slept. I would wake with scalp filling my fingernails. I tried all kinds and brands of dandruff shampoo. I still find a little seam of humor that when I was trying Selsun Blue, I would wake with blue scalp in my fingernails.

I finally came across T-Gel, which was from a brand name that I liked for other hygiene products. It stopped the itching. But after a few weeks, when Mom was playing with my hair, she noticed the oddest build up on my scalp. And the warnings on the bottle and the fact that it smelled like my grandfather's pipe had me start questioning the product. But I didn't think much until friends at school started to comment (with intent to help) that my make up was not blended in well at my hairline. Upon closer inspection, they realized that it wasn't make up (especially considering I wasn't allowed to wear it, yet), but there was discoloration at my hairline. I made a guess that the T-Gel was chemically burning my scalp. The build up was the scalp trying to recover. And the discoloration I assumed to be a scar. 

A year or so later, the scar was still prominent and I was tired of explaining to others. So I cut my own bangs. Oh, what a horrible phase of hair that was in my life. When I felt the scar was not as noticeable, I began to grow the bangs out--just before college. But during my freshman year, I noticed the scar reappear. But it had grown! That's when I knew it couldn't be a scar. I finally pointed it out to my doctor. One quick look and she diagnosed me with psoriasis. But she didn't really give my much information. I have had to experience and research this disease as the years have gone on and the area affected has spread. 

I have found a shampoo that works fairly well and keeps the burning, itching scalp at bay for a week's time. I used to blame the T-Gel for being the cause. I can't prove it, and considering the itching for the few years before that shampoo, it's possible the psoriasis was manifesting itself earlier. I'll never know for sure. However I ended up with it, it is my trial and there is no cure. Psoriasis is an auto-immune disease where my body thinks it is being attacked. In reality, it is only attacking itself. It thinks that it needs to reproduce skin cells to replace those it has lost, only it hasn't actually lost them. So the skin builds up and begins to flake off. Huge flakes. Noticeable and embarrassing flakes that just fall off my face or stick in my hair if they come off my scalp. 

But that isn't the worst part. The burning and itching can be rather painful at times. Without even noticing I am often scratching at burning patches of skin, which of course makes it worse. I have to be careful in the sun (which my darker complexion didn't have to worry about too much before) because a sunburn on the patches of psoriasis is a whole different kind of horrible pain. It's also rather unsightly. I have to cater all my face wash to the psoriasis--which likes to adapt to almost everything I try. If I find something that cleans the face and actually keeps the psoriasis calm, that is what I stick with, even if it does nothing for the lovely acne I have to fight against (a different trial to talk of on another day). 

Some days my face needs to breathe, which means I have to go make-up free. This can lead to some days when I just can't look at my face in the mirror with its blotches and patches and redness and every single imperfection made worse by the aforesaid acne and the psoriasis. It leads to very self-conscious embarrassment when I see a nice, single young man and know I do not look my best. Indeed, I probably look my least attractive. 

I never know if there are flakes of skin stuck in my hair or hanging off my face. I never know if the patches have decided to be visible in their red, bumpy nature. Even with the marvelous prescription cream my doctor has prescribed for me, there are still days that flare ups will succeed before a few days' application will calm it down. I always have to be mindful in a change of climate or a change of elevation or in a change of stress, as all cause flare-ups.

That's a brief synopsis of my history and experience with the trial of psoriasis. Where are the blessings in it? What have I to be grateful for? Well, in my research, I have come to see that others who suffer with psoriasis have a much more painful experience, with patches much larger and perhaps even more noticeable that what I have. I have been greatly blessed that my psoriasis has stayed mostly contained, that the patches are small and thus the pain not as bad. 

I am grateful that in time I learned how to apply make up, so that on days I can wear it, I have been able to cover it up fairly well.

I am grateful that, in truth, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And I believe, or at least I have faith, that I will find an amazing man who will see beyond the psoriasis and find beauty in my personality, my testimony, my intellect, my interests, my passion, and perhaps somewhere in my face. For even though there are times when all I see or feel is the disease manifested on my face, I believe there is a man who will not care if he notices it, and will know that it is not who I am.

I am grateful that so much of me works and functions and does so well. 

I am grateful that I have learned and am still learning compassion for others with any obvious visual "defect" and the pain it can be to have to face the world, not just endure the pain from the defect itself.

7/3/15 Update:

I just watched this video.


And there is great irony on it coming with what I blogged of last night and what I will be blogging of tonight. Some of my loved ones think that I over-react over what saddens me about my face. They say no one notices. But videos like this remind me that they do notice. The difference is that Christ-like people don't say cruel, hurtful things like in the video.

So perhaps what I am most grateful for in all of this:

I am grateful that I have such loving family and friends who if they notice my psoriasis now, generally have ignored it or not commented about it.

And I am grateful that I still have nice eyes, and a beautiful smile (Elder Richard G. Scott has told me so!) and that I have so many things to smile about.

Gospel Message Day 280

Gratitude, Part 4

So, I was going to write about some personal experiences. But I should have known Institute would put other things in my head that want to be shared as well. We read Elder Andersen's recent Conference talk. There was so much hope and beauty in it, but one huge thing stood out to me, probably because I've been blogging about it the last few days! And then Sister A. had us write down a principle, how the principle has affected our lives in the past, and how we would apply it in future.

Since I already took the time to write that down, I thought I'd just copy what I wrote. It goes fairly well with the gratitude topic.
*Principle: Look around to see the hand of God in your life and you will have no need to fear.

*Experience in past: I often find myself wondering what I am doing in certain places and situations in my life. I doubt if I'm in the right place, doing the right thing, and in those doubts I feel loneliness creep in. At the most difficult time in my life for this, I knew I needed to fix something. Though I already loved God and had seen His blessings in my life, I needed to develop a habit and mindset to see His blessings in everything. (A talk by President Eyring helped spur this on.)

So, I started to look around and see where His hand was. It started to become natural over time. I have especially relied on this when life is a little tougher to get through, but overall the last ~4 years have been the most joyful and fulfilling that I can remember. They feel like they're more blessed, too, but I think that's because the Lord has opened my eyes to see those blessings more.

*Future application: I want to be like Elder Eyring and daily record in a book (not a blog--no offense, blog) how I've seen the hand of the Lord in my life.

As I thought on more particular experiences in trying to learn this habit, I came to realize something. Readers of this blog as well as my personal journal blog saw me frequently talk about finding the Pollyanna Positive Points in what life brought me. On occasion I still do it here when I know I need to adjust my attitude and find what there is to be glad or happy about. All these years, as I've been looking for the Pollyanna Positive Points in what comes at me, what I've really been doing is trying to find God's hand in my life. Because there is always something positive to be found in life's situations and experiences, both the good and the not-so-good. It's just more difficult to find them in the not-so-good times. Yet I believe the positive points are the blessings the Lord is sending me among the trying times. And I just need to see them around me and express my gratitude for them.

Gospel Message Day 279

Gratitude, Part 3

Why is gratitude such a favorite subject of mine? Over my few years I have had my own tailored-to-me sufferings. And there were (and still are) often times when I felt low, discouraged, and wanting to give up from frustration, tiredness, and sorrow. But such a state will not help anybody, especially me in my progression. With time, scripture study, and many talks from Church leaders, I came to learn the importance of gratitude. But it took many years to cultivate that habit/skill. It's how my Pollyanna way of life came about! Tomorrow, with (hopefully) more time, I want to explain some of the trials I've had to face, and the ways I've discovered gratitude in each case. Then you can see the Pollyanna-ing in more specific action.